Big Time Lies
by andiftheygetme
Summary: JAMES has problems and he has no idea how to control them, so he does the one thing he knows he can control. KENDALL knows something's wrong with James and tries to help but he doesn't know that he's the main issue. KendallXJames WARNING:self-harm
1. Chapter 1

A/N: **I DO NOT OWN BIG TIME RUSH IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM!!** Also, if you don't like the story, don't bash it, just nicely critique it. I like knowing what I can do to make the story better. So don't be afraid to show how you feel... again, do be nice about it though please :)

**~BTRxBTR~**

**Chapter One: Only a Dream**

My dream...My dream was to become famous and here I am, my dream is coming true. Better yet, I get to share it with my best friends. We're a boy band and we kick ass. We can dance, sing, and I have to say my voice is great...but...I have another dream too. Of course...it's one I know won't come true. I've always had this dream, but I didn't know what it was until...we actually came to L.A.

It started playing over and over in my head when we saw the Jennifers. I'm used to the whole picking up a lady thing because they're hot, and it just didn't click with me, it never did, especially that day. I would see other guys getting all gaga over girls so I did the same thing, and I'd do it over and over again. I don't get the point anymore though, because...I don't like girls, the problem is...well, that is the problem. I feel like I have to go all out and pretend I like girls just so no one will notice I really don't like them. I realize I was always fooling myself even with the "I'm going to marry Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls" thing. I really don't want to marry her. I don't want to be with any girls at all. No. I want to be with someone who I know I'll never be with. Someone who's always been there for me, someone I've known for so long that it's actually turned into love, like I want to be your lover love. He'll never love me like that ever. I want to be with him. I want to be with Kendall, but that's only a dream.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: Silver to Flesh**

"Hey, James!"

I hear voices around me, but I'm too tired to get up.

"Maybe we should..." Should what? What are they planning? If it has anything to do with-

"Let's take all his hair products!" I shot straight up out of bed.

"Don't you fucking touch my hair products!" I said. They laughed and high-fived each other.

"We got him to wake up!" yelled Carlos.

"I told you it would work." Logan said. I glared at them and asked, "Why did you guys wake me up? We don't have to work with Gustavo today. I was going to sleep in." I walked into my bathroom and took out my lucky comb. I slid it through my strands of hair making sure it was kept all nice. I love my hair, my hair loves me, end of story. Kendall walked in and said, "We thought you might want to hang out with us and try again to woo the Jennifers." I looked down. So he definitely doesn't like guys. Yay. Well, it's obvious he wouldn't like me anyway. I sighed. "No not today. I'm really tired and I'm not in the mood to woo girls." They're mouths dropped open.

"But...you just fixed your hair!"Carlos said.

Kendall asked, "Are you sick or something?"

"Something's wrong. I know it." Logan said.

"No guys, really, nothings wrong. I'm just not in the mood today. Kay?" I said as I walked back to my bed. They gave me a quizzical look and I gave them the eyebrow.

"Fine. We'll leave you a lone, but if you change your mind call us!" Carlos said as they left my room. Once they left I collapsed onto my bed and stuffed my face into my pillow and screamed. God I fucking hate being gay! I laid there for awhile, until I decided to get up. I walked into my bathroom and closed the door. I gazed at myself in the mirror. I'm good looking, that's what people tell me, that's what I learned to think, now, I'm just not that sure anymore. I mean, if I was good looking, then anyone would want me. Kendall isn't just anyone though...he's so much more. I sighed and collapsed onto the floor. What is up with me? I'm totally losing it. I groaned and buried my head in my hands. How long am I going to be able to keep up this act? I can't do this forever. When they notice that I'm either rejecting or not asking out girls...will they know? This is great...I'm gay, Gustavo still hates me, my parents don't care that I'm even gone. I called them a few times and they either were busy or didn't answer, and when I leave messages, they never call back. They were never that supportive or caring to me in the first place, but this is just ridiculous! I slammed my fist against the wall feeling pain run through my hand. It felt good. I did it again and again and again. I kept punching the wall until I could barely feel my hands. I then stood up and starting kicking it and I punched it again and kept hitting the wall with all I got until I grew tired. I laid my hands on either side of my sink and looked down at the drain. That's where I'm going to end up. Down the drain if I don't get my act together. Fuck, I don't care. As long as I just act normal around everyone else everything will be fine. I can keep up the act if I try. No...I'm fucking weak...weak...I stood up and starting hitting the wall again. This isn't enough...this isn't enough! I looked in the mirror and saw it gleaming under the light. I slowly crept my hand toward it until my fingertips were brushing it. I picked it up and held it in the palm of my hand. It was control...it's just what I needed... and it will work just right. I held it between my thumb and fingers and pressed the metal against my skin and slid it slowly across my wrist. As I slid it across my skin red appeared. One inch...two inches..three inches, I stopped and began another line. I then carved deeper lines and created more gashes until all I could see was red. I watched the warm liquid stain the floors. I was about to make another cut when I heard the door open and voices fill the room. I turned on the sink and washed off the razor. I put it in my pocket and then grabbed a roll of toilet paper and ripped off loads of paper cleaning up the floor.

"James! You here?" I heard Kendall call. I didn't answer and brought my wrist over the sink and turned the water on. As water hit my wrist I winced because it stung. I wiped off my cuts and threw the toilet paper in the toilet so there would be no evidence.

"James! Where are you?" I looked through my medicine closet and found bandages and started wrapping them around my wrist.

"I'm going to the bathroom!" I yelled, "I'll be right out!" I finished bandaging my arm and looked around the bathroom to find something to cover my arm. The towel! I can walk out holding the towel over my arm...but I didn't take a shower. Oh! I know. I turned on the sink and stuck my head underneath it and then splashed some water on me. This should work! I then grabbed my towel and swung it over my arm and opened the door. Shit I forgot to flush the toilet. I was about to walk back in until Kendall grabbed me and said, "Hey what was all that noise. We were on our way back up and we heard something banging on the walls.

"Oh. I don't know what you're talking about. Hold on I need to-"

"I don't believe that. What's going on?" I pushed him away and said, "Hold on." Then I ran into the bathroom and closed the door. I then flushed the toilet and washed my hands to make it seem like I went to the bathroom. I then made sure the towel was covering my wrist still and opened the door. Kendall was still standing there and I tried to make my way past him but he turned me around.

"Come on. We've been best friends for almost...forever! You know you can tell me anything, right?" I put on my fake smile and said, "Dude, seriously. Of course I know I can tell you everything, and everything is fine, so don't worry about it." I added a chuckle and said, "Can you leave now, I wanna change." He stared at me for awhile and then said, "Sure. Okay." and with that he left my room and closed the door. I then went up to it and locked it so no one could come back in. I then went to my closet and looked for some clothes. Some skinny jeans would be nice today. Now where are some long sleeve shirts? I skimmed through my shirts and found no long sleeves. Shit. This isn't good. I need something to cover my arm. I let out a deep breath and looked through the rest of my room for something. I looked in my bedside table drawers and found some wristbands and bracelets. These should do for now...I really need to go shopping. I slipped on a wristband and a bunch of bracelets to hide the cuts on my left arm and I added some bracelets on the other arm to match my left. I then put on my lucky white v neck and a black button up vest. I then slipped on my skinny jeans and added my socks and shoes and then I checked myself out in the bathroom mirror to see if I was ready to go. I squealed. Oh my gosh. My hair is messy. I blow dried my hair and styled it with some gel and smiled in the mirror when I got it just right. After I made my way to my door and opened it to get to the kitchen. I walked into the kitchen to find the whole group there. I kind of stopped and felt startled when I saw them afraid they might find out what I did. Thinking about it scratched at my arms a little and then took a deep breath and walked to the pantry to get something to eat. I felt eyes gauging into my back while I took out some bread and peanut butter. I turned around and when they saw me they looked away. I slapped the bread and peanut butter on the counter and said sharply, "Why do you guys keep staring at me?" They slowly turned to look at me and then Logan said, "We're worried about you. That's all." I smirked as I thought of something good to say. "I just didn't feel good this morning, but if you still have time to woo some girls with me I'm all for it." Not...No I am not. I showed a big grin and they all smiled back and Kendall said, "There's the James I know!"

"We all gave up on wooing the Jennifers though. Once the girls saw us at the pool they got up and left..and when I say they _left_, I mean they made their way as fast as they possibly could out of the hotel." said Carlos.

"You mean they're not coming back?" I asked. Logan laughed and said, "We're not that repulsive. They just left the hotel for awhile to avoid us."

"Oh!" I said as I began to make my peanut butter sandwich.

**~BTRxBTR~**

I walked through the door to find Kendall sitting on the couch watching TV. As he saw me walk in he said, "Hey! Where have you been all day?" I closed the door behind me and yawned.

"I went shopping." I said walking towards my room. He held the remote to the TV and powered it off.

"So, I don't get any hi? How was your day?" He said as he followed me. I turned around to face him and said, "Hi. How was your day?"

"It-"  
"Great. Bye." I finished as I opened my door.

"Hey!" Kendall said as he grabbed my shoulder, "Not so fast. Let's see what you got!" He grabbed the bags from me.

"Hey!" I said trying to grab the bags away. "Give them back!" Kendall laughed and jumped onto the couch opening one bag. "No! Stop!"

"Chill! It's not like you have porn in here!"

"No!" I said as I reached trying to take the bag back.

"Yea! Sure! I have porn in there now let go!" I yelled.

"Well, you're gonna have to share!" He said pulling the bag harder.

"Just give it back!" I screamed pulling on the bag, but he pulled harder making the bag rip open. Panic was written in my eyes as I saw the contents land on the ground. Kendall sent me a puzzled look. I hurriedly picked the contents up and stuffed them into the ripped bag.

"Okay, that definitely wasn't porn." I glared at him and said, "Go away."

"Did you get hurt or something?" Kendall said walking after me.

"No! Shut up! It's none of you're business!"

"Then why do you have all those bandages?" I started walking faster.

"Do you understand the words 'go' and 'away'?" He grabbed my shoulder and said, "What's going-"

I turned around and yelled, "It's none of you're fucking business! Now leave me the hell a lone and go the fuck away!" I ran into my room and slammed the door. I then dropped my bags and slid down against the wall where I collapsed onto the floor crying.

Fuck. I'm screwing things up. If I wasn't stupid and just cried instead...it doesn't matter anymore. I did it once, I'll fucking do it again if I have to. As long as those stupid feelings with that stupid pain and those stupid thoughts go away for even just a minute...I'll do it again and again and again. It's my drug...my savior...

I started breathing heavily as I reached into my pocket and tugged on the metal object pulling it out of my jeans. I eyed my cure and ripped off my wristbands and bracelets to reveal pierced flesh. I bit my lip and held my breath as the blade glided on my skin. I felt my blood pour down my arm as I carved a thick line from my shoulder to the top of my hand. I let out the breath I had been holding in and looked at my right arm. It was perfect...so perfect it made me feel sick, so I took the razor to my wrist and formed x's all over it. As I felt the warmth of blood on my arms I realized how bloody the floor had become.

Shit! Blood scattered onto the bags as I picked them up quickly and ran to the bathroom. I dropped the bags onto the ground and searched through them to find the millions of bandages I bought. I took them out and opened them and ran my arms under the water. I gasped at the pain that overcame me when the beads of water hit my skin and then grabbed a rag to wiped my arms. After my arms were for the most part, clean, I wrapped bandages around my arms until you couldn't see any of my flesh. I then sprawled out on the bathroom floor and rested my head on my now bandaged arm. As minutes flew by, I slowly began to fall asleep.

**~BTRxBTR~**

I got up and slipped on my new black long sleeve shirt, some jeans and a studded belt. I also wore wristbands under my long sleeves as well as fingerless gloves just in case.

"James! Hurry up! We're going to be late!" Kendall yelled.

"I'll be right there!" I yelled as I ran over to my night stand. I opened the drawer and took a deep breath as I eyed my razor blade. I shook my head, grabbed it, shoved it into my pocket and ran out of my room and up to the rest of the group.

"Well, I'm ready. Let's go!"I said.

When we got to Rocque Records Gustavo walked up to us and looked us up to down."Well, you're all looking good...except James...I still can't stand you." I frowned as he moved on. "Okay, today we're going to be working on dancing again because some of you _still can't dance_." Now let's have Mr. X help touch your dancing up." They followed Mr. X to the dance studio and got in their places.

"Okay, so first we shall work on this movement." He then squatted and reached out his left hand onto the floor while kicking his feet out to the side and then he got back up."I've notice a lot of you have trouble with this move. So let's go. On my count 1, 2, 3. Again. 1, 2, 3. Again..." I drowned out his voice and dropped and squatted then reached out my hand onto the floor. "Ouch!" I said collapsing. Stupid wrist. Man last night wasn't the best night to cut. Kendall ran over to me. "Hey! You okay?" I flashed him a smile and said, "Yea, I was just being clumsy." I got up and tried again. Fuck, it still hurts. I took in a deep breath and murmured to myself, "I have to endure it. I repeated the move again and again enduring the pain until he said we could stop. "Okay, most of you have got it down to a perfection so we can end it here today and you can all take a break." I let out a breath of relief and got up.

"I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back." They nodded and I walked into the bathroom. My wrists were feeling numb so I rolled up my sleeves and removed my wristbands and fingerless gloves. Shit! My cuts reopened! I looked down at my cuts which were bleeding through my bandage really badly. I ripped off my bandages and turned on the sink and put my arms under the water. While they were under the water I grabbed some paper towels and blotted my cuts with them. I then heard the door open and panicked. I stuffed the paper towels in my mouth and pulled down my sleeves. As the person walked in I stuffed my wristbands into my pocket and the bandages in the trash and turned around to see Kendall.

"Why do you have paper towels in your mouth?" He said while looking at me quizzically. I dropped them out of my mouth into my hands.

"Bit my tongue. It's bleeding." I said putting the bloody paper towel back into my mouth.

"That's a lot of blood for biting a tongue." I shrugged and pressed the paper towel in my mouth for more effect. He grabbed the paper towel out of my mouth and threw it away. I closed my mouth and reached for more paper towel as he said, "Open it." I smiled at him. "Open what?"

"Your mouth." I blushed. "Why. It's just bleeding a little." I took out another piece of paper towel and shoved it into my mouth. He took it out of my mouth to reveal, of course, no blood. I shrugged again and said, "Oh, would you look at that. It stopped bleeding." I started to walk away, "Well I guess I'll be going now." He grabbed my wrist. "Ow!" He tilted his head and said, "I didn't even grab you that hard." I scowled and said, "Look! Just leave me a lone okay!" He pulled me back and said, "What's bleeding?"

"Let me go!" I said struggling to get away.

"No! It's nothing. It's none of your business! Leave me the fuck a lone!" I yelled. He wrapped his arms around me trying to turn me around. Tears began to fall as I cried out, "Let go of me! Stop it! Please!" He wouldn't let me go."Please! Please!" I began to break down. "Please!....No!" I collapsed on the ground and he lifted up my sleeves to see fresh cuts all over my arm. He took in a deep breath as he saw what I had done to myself and released me stepping back with shock. I looked up at him from the floor with tears in my eyes. "Happy?!" I screamed. "Are you fucking happy now?!" He shook his head as I got up.

"Look...James." He said.

"No!" I screamed. "Just leave me the fuck a lone!" I rolled down my sleeves and opened the door. "Tell everyone I don't feel good again. " I then ran out the door passing Logan who grabbed my arm and said, "What's going on in there?" He heard me wince and saw the tears in my eyes. I shoved him away and ran. As I ran I heard the voices of a shouting Kendall and a confused Logan, but right now I don't care what's going on with them. Everything is ruined, and of course, it's all my fault... it's mine.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: W O R T H L E S S

It's my uprising and my downfall...a pure sin...it's like holding life and death in one hand, it feels...so exhilarating and you get this big rush of adrenaline through your veins, your heart goes wild and your brain is flooded with all different kinds of thoughts that it all just turns into mush when you dig it into your flesh. Every time the knife pierces my skin, I close my eyes and pretend I'm slowly disappearing or fading away into nothingness. I fall into ecstasy. It doesn't last long, though, not long enough...but...what if I take it to the next level? Where I bleed until I'm dry...sometimes I have the urge to take it to my neck. It scares me...these thoughts, they scare the living shit out of me. Half the time it feels like the right thing to do, and the other half, I just feel like an idiot, I feel shame and disgust, but feeling that only makes me want to do it more. It's like a never ending cycle of madness that won't leave me a lone, and sadly, sometimes I'm glad it's there. I feel like I have no choice now...after Kendall saw that part of me. He's probably going to tell everyone and rush over here and...why would he even rush over here? I'm not that...important. Maybe he won't rush over here. I do admit, I want him to. I want him to care. If he cares...I might be of some importance in this life...but...

I...one more time...one more time won't hurt...

I reached into my pocket and took out the blade, still stained with some blood, but still as sharp as ever. I removed my long sleeve shirt to reveal my bare skin and began to carve in letters...W.....started trickling with blood...O, R, T.....I took a deep breath...H, L...E...I let out my breath......S...S. That's what I am...WORTHLESS. I looked at the artwork on my upper arm and growled. I stood up and walked over to my mirror. No. I hope Kendall doesn't come. If he sees me like this....God fucking damn it! I picked up a book and threw it at my mirror, shattering parts of it into pieces and leaving a huge crack in it. I fell to the ground and laid my head back revealing my neck open to the air. I raised the blade to my throat as I breathed heavily and fast. As I closed my eyes I heard voices outside my door. Kendall is yelling...everyone is confused...well fuck them, they don't need me here anymore. I can leave...I'm sorry Kendall...I'm sorry.

The door slammed and I felt a body on top of mine.

"Fuck James!" Kendall said as he covered my throat trying to grab the blade from my hand. "What the fuck are you doing? Stop it!" I opened my tear filled eyes and yelled, "Get the fuck off me! I need this! Get the hell out of my room!"

"Kendall! James! What's going on in there?" Logan yelled. Kendall scowled at me as he yelled, "Don't come in here okay? If you really care about me and James just don't come in here!"

"How about we come in because we do care?" Logan said.

"Yea fuck it!" Said Carlos. Kendall finally got the blade from my hands and ran to the door. I ran after him for the blade and slammed against him onto the door as he locked it. "Give it the fuck back!" I yelled trying to win snatch it away from him. Kendall raised it above his head with one hand and held me back with the other and said, "No! You don't need this James! Now calm down! You can live with out it!"

"What the fuck is going on in there?" Yelled Logan rattling the door.

"Hey Katie, where's your mom?" Carlos yelled, "Something's wrong!"

"I know I can live with out it!" I screamed. "That's why I want it!" I lunged at him with full force slamming into the door instead because he dashed out of the way. I turned around to find him at the other end of the room putting the blade into his pocket. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and said, "I don't need it anyway. I've got many more objects I can choose from." Kendall's eyes grew big and silence filled up the room as we stood there facing each other. He then slowly walked up to me and said, "What did you write?" As his hand was about to touch my arm I panicked and avoided his touch yelling, "Don't touch me!" I took a few steps back and turned around to walk to the bathroom but he grabbed me and said, "Why are you doing this?"

"What's going on? What's the matter with Kendall and James?" whined Katie.

"Don't you hear that?" Kendall asked. "She's worried too. Now tell me, what's the matter?" I glared at him and said, "She's worried? She's fucking worried about you! She doesn't give a damn about me and neither should you! Now let me the fuck go!"

"It's okay Katie. Everything's going to be alright. They're probably just fighting about something small." Logan said to a crying Katie.

I shook his hand off my arm but like a reflex he took hold of my arm again. I winced as he grabbed my arm and I kicked him in the leg, but as he fell he dragged me with him to the ground. I struggled to get away but he kept his hold on me tight bringing me closer and closer to him. Eventually he rolled over to make us switch positions leaving him on top of me and underneath his weight. He straddled my hips and his hands were around my wrists like they were handcuffs. I blushed at our position while crying at the same time. "Please!" I yelled. I bit my lip and leaned my head back letting out a cry. "I want to die..."I whispered under my breath. "Let me die!" My head rolled to the side as I continued to cry out my entire soul. I kept repeating my wish of dying as Kendall shushed me and released hold of my arms. I didn't bother fighting anymore. I just laid on the carpet with my hands covering my face trying to hide my tears.

Kendall removed my hands from my face and brought them down by my sides. I then felt him trace the words I carved into my skin. "Worthless...Worthless?" He said. "Why do you think you're worthless? You're not-"

"Oh shut up!" I said in tears. "Don't fucking ask me questions I don't want to answer! And don't act like you care either. Just leave me a lone."

"No." Said Kendall.

"What's going on?" Mrs. Knight asked.

"Mom!" Katie said.

"We don't know. We think they're fighting."Carlos said.

"I heard them yelling at each other in the bathroom at the studio and I went to check it out but then James ran out crying and Kendall was going after him. Kendall won't tell us what's going on, but I think it's serious because there's a lot of banging going on in there like they're physically fighting. They slammed into the door a few minutes ago."

"This sounds like it's really serious." Mrs. Knight said as she started to knock on my door. "Kendall! James! What's going on in there? Is everything all right?"

"Everything's under control mom! I'm handling it!" Kendall said.

"Are you sure? It doesn't sound good.." Mrs. Knight said.

"Liar." I said, "You're a fucking liar! I hate liars! I hate y-"Kendall's hand covered my mouth. "I promise mom. It's okay. Now can you all go away so we can work this out?" I bit his hand and he yelled "Ow!" as I tried to get out from under his legs.

Mrs. Night sounded unsure as she answered, "Okay. Whatever you say. Call if things get out of hand." Kendall leaned on me harder, pressing his chest onto mine. He brought his head down next to mine and whispered into my ear "Calm down." I shivered as his breath tickled my neck and remained frozen underneath him. As his face hovered inches above mine I couldn't help but gaze at his green eyes, which were apparently gazing into mine. I blinked a few times, but his eyes didn't retreat.

"What.../" I asked softly.

"Why do you want to hurt me?" He asked.

"What?" I said.

He repeated, "Why do you want to hurt me?"

"I'm not hurting you at all!" I said.

"Yes you are."

"How am I hurting you. I'd think by now you can tell it's just the opposite."

"But you're hurting yourself, that's what's hurting me. James," He took a deep breath and said, "I love you." My eyes widened as he continued, "We've known each other for so long, that right now, I can't imagine my life without you, you're one of the biggest parts of my life, and you doing this and not telling me what's going on with you, makes me feel as if we've grown so far a part. I want to know what's going on with you, I want to know how you feel, I want to be there for you and help you. Why won't you let me in?"

He loves me...he loves me...those three words won't stop playing in my mind. It's like a broken track on a CD where one part of the song keeps repeating and repeating. Usually it's annoying so you'd turn it off, but this track...I want to keep it repeating forever.

"You love me?" I asked.

"Yea, you're my best friend, my brother."He said. I could feel my heart shatter in my chest as he said those words. I tried to push him off me as I began to cry again. "Go away!" I screamed. Kendall had a shocked face as he asked, "What did I do?" He remained on top of me fighting my hands to bring them back down by my sides. "What's the problem here?"

"You're the problem, Kendall! You're my fucking problem!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "Just go away!" Kendall let go of my hands and I could see his eyes beginning to water. I watched his hurt expression and immediately regretted all I said. "Kendall...I'm sorry...Kendall?" His gaze was no longer focused on me, but at the wall behind me.

"I'm your problem?"He said in a cracked voice.

"Well you're part of it...not all of it..."I said unsure, biting down on my lip.

"But I'm still a problem?"

"Well..yeah." He looked at me, with an expression of sadness and asked, "How am I troubling you?"

I blushed and said, "I can't...tell you."

"If you don't tell me how I'm causing you trouble, then this will never get fixed."

"It can't be fixed, Kendall. That's the thing."

"It can if you tell me what's bothering you."

"No, I really can't. It will only make matters worse. I swear."

"It's either you tell me what's going on, or everyone will know this secret of yours. In fact, I shouldn't be hiding this secret at all, but take your pick." I then began to feel blood trickle into my mouth from biting my lip and took a deep breath and said, "You have to promise me something, though."

"What?"

"You won't hate me when I tell you what's going on and we'll still remain the best of friends."

"Well, duh. There can't be anything in this world that could make me hate you, James."

"I beg to differ." I said.

"Just tell me. What's going on?"

I swallowed hard and said, "Are you ready?"

"Yes, I've been ready, James."

"Okay." I said.

I slowly began to look up at him as I spilled my secret words into his hearing and began to shake at his facial reaction.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: I'm not delusional, I'm in love...**

I could feel my heart beating harshly and hear the pounding in my ears, and the longer Kendall was silent, the faster my heart sped. My mouth was now dry and I couldn't seem to get oxygen flowing throughout my body. I could feel myself shaking and shivering at the look on Kendall's face. His eyes we're focused on me but his mind was floating somewhere else. His face held much shock and his body was trembling a bit and he didn't seem like he was able to form words, and neither could I, but the longer the silence grew, the more terrified I became of him, and the more terrified I became of him, the more I wanted to run away, and the more I wanted to run away, the more I wanted to reach for a blade in my bathroom and end this madness. The bathroom seems so far away, though, it's really just a few feet away from me. I could try to get there. Kendall's barely paying attention and-

"No...no...you're...you just think that, er...you're delusional. You're just really confused and scared right now and it's making you say things you really don't believe. So, just don't think..er talk...um.." Kendall rambled on ignoring the pain that was clearly showing on my face, "That's not true...you're lying. You're confused..." I pushed him off of me and started crawling to the bathroom but it was difficult with water blurring my vision. Kendall kept pulling me back, repeating over and over again how I was being delusional and was really confused.

"Stop it Kendall." I said reaching for the bathroom, but he pulled me back and said, "Look, you can't hurt yourself because you're confused. Just cool down some, kay?" I turned around and locked my hands around his neck and pulled him close.

"Look, I'm not lying. I meant every word I said! Why don't you believe me?" I cried. He pushed me down and replied, "You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Yes I fucking do!" I shouted.

"No you don't!" Kendall yelled.

"I do know what I'm talking about!" I said sternly, "I'm talking about how I'm in love with you! That's no lie!" I leaned up pressing my hands against his chest and placed my lips upon his. As I parted from him I looked into his eyes trying to find his answer, but I couldn't see one. I could feel him breathing against my neck as he faced down away from me. "James..."He whispered, "We can't..."

I asked, "Why?"

"We're going to be famous...Gustavo...girls..." He looked up at me scared, "James..." He leaned in closer and wrapped his arms around me. Our foreheads touched as he added, "We can't be together."

"So you do love me?" I asked. He sighed and said, "We're a boy band, and girls crush on us…and if Gustavo knew…He'd end this all right now…if anyone found out about us then-"

"So there is an us..?" He bit his lip and turned away.

"James…" He started, but he turned back and pushed me to the ground. His hands were on my chest and his lips were centimeters away.

"Kendall…"I breathed, my eyes closed as he placed his lips upon mine. He slowly deepened the kiss stroking my neck as I moved my lips against his and moved my hands up his back. Things heated up fast as he placed butterfly kisses down my neck. I threw my head back as he began to nip at my throat and I let out a small moan. "Kendall…Ken…" He licked my neck as he began to bite and suck at my exposed flesh. I gasped, "Kendall!" He sucked harder. "Ah…" I pushed him away breathing heavily. "Kendall…you just said…we…I…" I looked down blushing but he lifted my chin and said, "We can…keep this a secret. I didn't even think I would be able to keep this any longer from you anyway…"

"You…loved me too?" I asked. He blushed and said, "Y-yea, I would've told you sooner if I knew this was going to happen. James…look at what you're doing to yourself. Where's the guy who cares nothing more for his beautiful hair? The overconfident ladies man? Now you're…"

"A mess? A wreck? A-"

"James, come on! You're hurt, deeply. Now let's fix things up so you can be happy again. Anything that falls apart can still be put back together. Remember our song? It's the only life you've got…" He looked at me smiling, "So you got to? James?"

"So you got a live it big time." I sang. We laughed and he stood up. He reached out his hand and I grasped it lifting me to my feet, and he pulled me close to him wrapping his arms around my waist. I snuggled my head into his chest and said, "I love you Kendall."

"I love you too." We pulled apart and walked into my bathroom, which I kind of regretted because I forgot to clean up the blood from yesterday. As he saw the stains on the floor he choked on his breath. "Wh-what the hell James?" He sent me a pained look and grabbed my arm pulling me to the sink which was stained by blood as well. He started the water and ran it over a rag he pulled from a rack. He then gently dabbed at my wounds which I winced at because they stung like crazy. Then again, it is my fault…

**~BTRxBTR~**

I was right behind my bedroom door, my back against the wall, Kendall's mouth upon mine. We didn't want to leave the room, because then we knew we would have to act, and if you know Kendall as well as I do, you would know how much he hates fakes. It still makes me wonder why he likes me, because I'm one of the biggest fakes alive. I moaned into our heated kiss are lips pressing against each other with such force nothing could tear us apart. He ran his hand up the back of my shirt rubbing circles in the center. One of my hands was tangled in his hair while the other was on his back pushing his body closer to mine. He slowly rubbed his body up against me making my back stick to the wall like I was glued there. As he began to nibble on my chin we heard a knock at the door. We split apart fast breathing heavily as I asked in a cracked voice, "Uh-", I coughed, "Who's there?"

"James? Are you okay? Where's Kendall? Is he in there?" said Carlos.

"Yeah, I'm here."

"What's going on in there? Are you guys okay? Everything solved?" asked Logan. Kendall and I looked at each other and he said, "Yeah, things are better now, we just had a…problem…that's now…a little better."

"Yeah." I added.

"Things take time to heal, you know what I mean?" Kendall said smirking. I slapped his arm glaring at him.

"We'll be right out." I said.

"Okay. We'll be on the couch." Carlos said. We waited in our places as we heard their footsteps disappear. He grabbed my hands as all went silent and said, "So…we…"

"Our relationship is a secret…My cutting is a secret…"

"Yeah…but we can't keep this a secret forever, you know."

"I know, but for now, let's keep things on the down low."

"Agreed..." He paused and looked into my eyes, "Ready?"

"Do I have a choice?" He wrapped his hand around the door knob and slowly turned it until it clicked and light shined in.

**~BTRxBTR~**

A/N: Sorry this chapter is short. I promise to make it longer next chapter. :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five: Arguments bring out the best in each other...did I say best? I meant worst.**

Kendall stepped into the hallway and motioned for me to follow. I felt my knees grow weak and bit my lip. "On second thought, I don't think I-"

Kendall grabbed my hand and pulled me out into the hallway with him. "You can do it. I'll be right behind you. I promise." I let out a big sigh and nodded my head. We slowly walked forward until the big orange couch came into view, to see Carlos and Logan talking while Katie was shouting at them to shut up so she can hear the TV. As we walked further into the room they became silent and slowly looked up at us with surprise. Katie wasn't shouting at the boys anymore and completely ignoring the TV, and Carlos and Logan's face froze in place as they saw us walk in. It was silent for a few moments until Katie dashed off of the couch and ran at Kendall full speed crying. When she reached him she gave him a big hug. She buried her head into him mumbling things about how she was scared and she was glad we were okay. He hugged her back and then he pulled her off and said, "Hey calm down. Things are okay now." She smiled and then looked up at me. She then shot me a saddened look and wrapped her arms around me. I looked at Kendall with a surprised face and he said with a smile, "Told you she cares." I smiled and hugged her back. When we were done hugging she frowned at us and said, "If you idiots ever scare me again, I swear…" With her unfinished sentence she walked away shaking her head mumbling things to herself. Kendall and I looked at each other shrugging and made ourselves comfy on the orange couch. I looked away feeling stares and took a deep breath.

"_So_…what happened?"said Carlos. I felt a shiver run down my spine and started trembling a little. What should I say? What is Kendall going to say?

"There was just a misunderstanding..." Kendall said. They raised their eyebrows at us and Logan said, "Like, what _kind_ of misunderstanding?" I stood up to walk out of the room but Kendall stood up and stopped me and whispered to me, "Calm down. I've got it covered." I bit my lip and sat down. There was blood in my mouth from biting my lip to much so I took my sleeve and wiped some off. I then turned my attention to Kendall. He turned to Logan and Carlos and said, "It's a private issue actually. I know we shouldn't keep things from you guys, but right now it's something that can't be discussed with you two. It's not that time to tell." He raised his eyebrows at them and added, "Understand?" Carlos and Logan had on a skeptical look but they nodded and Logan said, "Well, okay. If it gets serious though, can you come to us? No scratch that, it sounds serious. There was a lot of screaming and banging in the room."

"You guys worried the shit out of us. We can't just drop this and say okay."Carlos said. I held my head in my hands. This is becoming to much. I can't tell them. I just can't. I wish I never stepped out of that room. Only if Kendall didn't find out...but, Kendall. He loves me. God that can't be true. This so can't be true. I bet this is all a dream...a nightmare. I'm not worthy of Kendall. I'm completely out of his league. I shouldn't have hesitated. I should have taken that knife to my neck. I should have ended it. There's a lot of things I should have done. I grabbed my head and buried it into my knees. What the hell do I do?

"Look, it's really not my place to tell. Okay?" Kendall said sternly, "You're going to have to accept this answer for now."

"So if it's not your place to tell, then it's James's?" Logan asked. "So why don't we have James do the talking?" Carlos and Logan turned to me. Kendall scowled and said, "You really don't understand, do you? Don't bother him or me about this. It's not your place to know right now. Seriously guys, trust me."

"I said, why don't we have _James_ do the talking?", Logan repeated, "James?" I licked some leftover blood off my lips and took in a deep breath. I really don't want to talk right now, I really don't. That's the last thing I want to do. What do I say? I can't tell them anything. I guess Ill just fake it. That's right, fake it James, like you always have. Lie, act, you've faked your whole life, you're a pro. Do it now, what's stopping you? "Look, I'm with Kendall. We both aren't ready to tell you what's going on. So just leave us a lone until we're ready to share it."

"_We're not_ dropping this until you tell us what's going on, right Logan?" said Carlos.

"Right." Answered Logan. I glared at Kendall and whispered, "None of this would've happened if you had just left me a lone. Things would've been so much easier." Kendall sent me a hurt look and whispered back, "No, that would have made things ten times worse, and you know it!"

"I'm selfish, I don't want to be here."

"Even if I'm here?"

"Hey, this conversation is with us. Whatever you say, we hear." Said Carlos. I leaned my head back against the couch and folded my arms against my chest. I let out a deep sigh and rolled my head over to see Logan tensing up and tapping his foot. He then took a deep breath and said, "Look, James and I are having issues...James is going through a rough time right now, and he needs us. He's not ready to tell us what's going on. Hell, he wasn't ready to tell me anything either."

"Wait, who's having the issues? James, you, or both?" Logan asked.

"Well, more James then I, we just happen to share...one...same...issue." Kendall said softly.

"And that would be?" Carlos asked. Logan and I briefly gave each other looks and I said, "We're not ready to tell you guys right now. Can you all, just be...patient?"

"That's what James and I need most. Especially James. Please don't force us to say anything we don't want to say right now. You wouldn't want us to do that to you, right?"

Logan asked, "Well then, how come _you_ get to know and _we_ don't?"

"Because...that's another issue. Look it's not that serious..." Said Kendall in defeat.

"You can't just keep telling us 'That's an issue' and get away with it. What went on in there sounded pretty serious. No, extremely serious." said Logan.

Carlos said, "We could hear bits and pieces, like 'What the fuck are you doing?' and a lot of banging against the walls and floors."

"Along with that we heard, 'You don't need it' and we heard the word 'Dying'. Tell me Kendall, how is that not serious?" Logan asked harshly.

"Is one of you doing drugs or something?" Carlos asked.

Kendall and I looked at each other sadly and I yelled, "Just drop it! Okay?! We obviously aren't going to tell you so just leave it a lone!" I stood up and continued, "We'll tell you when the time comes! Now just butt out!" I started to walk away and Kendall got up and followed me. He grabbed my arm and whispered, "I don't trust you a lone."

"So it's drugs?" Logan asked walking up to us. Kendall turned around and shouted, "No!" as I started to walk away again. I got to the door but Kendall turned me around and said loudly, "No. It isn't." Carlos and Logan gave us dirty looks and said, "Then what is it?" I leaned back against the door hanging my head down in shame. Kendall put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Guys, just drop-"

"No."I said. "Just please. Leave us a lone." Tears started forming in my eyes and Logan and Carlos looked at us sympathetically.

"Look, if James is crying, this is serious shit." I opened the door and Carlos and Logan started coming after me but Kendall pushed them away and yelled, "Fuck off!" and slammed the door. Kendall ran up and grabbed me from behind turning me around. "Look up at me." My head remained down. "James, look up at me. Look up at me James." I shook my head and he repeated, "Look up at me James." He lifted my chin up to see my bloody lip and my wet face watered from tears. "It's all my fault...it's all my fault."

"James it's not your fault."

"What am I supposed to tell them? They won't fucking give up!" I yelled.

"James, calm down!" He said.

"Don't tell me to fucking calm down! This shit is never going to stop! I'm tearing the band a part!" I screamed stomping away. He followed me yelling, "You're not tearing the band a part!"

"Look at us Kendall! First it was you and me fighting. Now I've got the whole band involved, hell your mom and sister are already getting involved!"

"Things will turn out fine just-" I pounced on him bringing him to the floor and started to slip my hand into his pocket. "Fuck James! Stop it! You don't need that!" He pushed me off of him and stood up.

"Fucking hand it over!" I yelled. He ran for the door and I slammed against him. "Ow! Fuck that hurt James." He opened the door as I tried to close it and ran outside to where Carlos and Logan were waiting outside confused. I ran outside after him crying and yelling, "Just give it to me! Please!"

"Okay, this sounds a fucking lot like drugs."I ran over to Kendall and as I reached him he yelled, "Are you sure you want them to know?" I stopped dead in my tracks. "Cause I bet you that you don't want them to!" I felt the fear I held on my face as tears rolled down dripping onto the floor. I wiped away my tears and looked up smiling and said, "You know what?" Kendall looked at me quizzically and asked, "What?" I walked to the door and opened it, "You're right. I don't need it."and walked out making sure to slam the door on my way.

This is perfect. I just need to go to the store, buy a new razor blade, or even something more sharp and damaging...and then everything will end. No more troubles, drama, me. I can be free of this world. This stupid world....painful world...I started scratching at my arms. Fuck, I need this now.

"James!" I heard a female voice say, but I ignored it and kept walking to accomplish my goal. "James!" I kept walking. "James! I know you can hear me!" I kept walking but felt hands on my shoulders forcing me to stop. I turned around to come face to face with a Jennifer? I gave her an awkward smile and said, "Uh...hi?" She pursed her lips and gave me the eyebrow. "What?" I spat. She tilted her head.

"What's up with you? You haven't been yourself lately." She said.

"What are you talking about. You barely even know me."I said.

"You don't come down to the pool anymore with your friends, and when you do you just do...nothing. You don't swim, you barely talk, and when you do you pretend to be into it, you find an excuse to leave and...just...what's with you? You don't even hit on us or try to ask us out on dates anymore!" Inside I was panicking because I didn't know exactly what to say, but I just sighed and said the first thing that came to my mind.

"I've been sick lately...and I'm...taken." I said.

"What?" She said surprised.

I gave her an annoyed look and answered, "Yeah, now look, I have to go. I'll see you around."

"Wait!", She said as she grabbed my hand, "Why are you dating her and not us Jennifers?"

"Why would I want to date you?" I snarled.

"You did before! You were always trying to get a date with us! What changed that?"

"I found someone special that I prefer over you Jennifers. You all treated us like shit anyways and-" I felt her lips press against mine as she wrapped her arms around me. I pushed her away and heard a voice yell, "What the fuck, James?" I turned around to see Kendall. He looked like he was about to burst into tears, but he held it back by putting on an angry expression.

"Kendall, I swear this isn't what it looks like! She kissed me! You know I don't like her!"

"Oh really? That's not what it looked like!"

"Kendall, I'm your best friend! You know me better then anyone."

"I thought I knew you."

"God, Kendall! Why won't you believe me?" I cried. He started to walk away. I turned to Jennifer and yelled at her, "God damn it! I fucking hate you! I hate you!" I saw a sad look on her face as I ran after Kendall. When I caught up with him I took hold of his shoulder and said, "You know I don't like them! Why would you believe what you saw. You know I love you!"

"Yeah, sure! You've been lying about everything to me lately and will never tell me what's going on! So I should definitely believe you now!" Kendall yelled in my face. I stepped back with tears boiling in my eyes.

"Kendall...I don't lie about love..."

"Oh shut up! Why do you care? You're going to die anyways remember? You're planning on fucking killing yourself! So just go on ahead with it! You can't love yourself and you apparently can't love me! So just go die!" He shouted. I slowly stepped away from him biting my lip to keep myself from crying a loud. He looked at me shockingly realizing what he just said and then reached out his hand, but I smacked it away. I burst out crying as he said softly, "James....James I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." I wiped some falling tears away as he said, "I didn't mean what I said. I was just really angry at what I saw....James?" I looked up at him and yelled, "Why the hell should I believe you if you didn't even believe a word I said?!"

"You're right, I was wrong! I'm sorry...I'm really sorry James." He wrapped his arms around me but I kept trying to push him away. "I'm sorry James. I'll never say that again. I'm an idiot. Okay? I believe you. I really do." I stopped fighting and just stood there crying as he rubbed my upper back with one hand and held me around my waist with his other. I don't know what to think. I want to die...but I want to be with him...I love Kendall...I love him so much, I can't even describe in words how I feel about him. My love for him is just so powerful...it can't be explained..."James..." Kendall said as he lifted my chin to gaze in my eyes, "I'm sorry. I believe you, I love you...I don't want you to leave me. Please don't leave me. Stay in this world for me if you can't for yourself. I want you to find a reason to live. I can already name so many for you. I'm so sorry. I won't say stuff like that again because I don't mean a word of it. I've got your back...and your front...and your side...and-" I cut him off bringing my lips to his pressing down on his with great force. I draped my arms around his neck and wrapped his hair in my hands bringing him as close as he could get to me. I moved my lips against his as he answered back with his tongue asking to penetrate my lips to explore my mouth. I gave him entrance and he brought his hand up the back of my shirt rubbing circles into my spine. We stayed like that for awhile as his hands roamed around my chest. We broke from each other to catch our breath and then crashed our lips back together. His tongue grazed my lips wetting each one, and then he bit down on my lower lip nibbling on it until he let go and worked his lips down my throat. I pulled his body closer leaning my head back for him to better access my neck. His fingers brushed over one of my nipples and I bit my lip suppressing a moan. He then brought his hands to my face caressing my cheek as his lips found mine again. We broke a part a second time for air and touched our foreheads together. I looked into his eyes and whispered, "I think we should go back before they question us again." He nodded in agreement, but not before kissing me one last time.

**~BTRxBTR~**

A/N: I hope you liked this chapter! I worked really hard on it, and I made it longer!! :D Please Review!


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: It's not drugs!**

It was silent in the elevator, one, because Kendall and I didn't know what to talk about, two, because there was some old lady riding in the elevator _with_ us, and three, the old lady was talking out loud to herself about Daisy..._her poodle_. When she finally got off, Kendall and I gave each other a look that said: I don't want to know who that creepy lady was, but _how the hell_ did she end up at the Palm Woods?

Once we got off the elevator we slowly made our way to our room. I opened my mouth to break the silence, but Kendall already began to talk.

"I wonder what Gustavo is going to do since we left early..."He said.

"I'm not sure I want to know..." I said nervously.

Kendall said,"I'm not sure I want to find out..." We both shuddered at the thought.

"So...what do we do when we get back to the room?' I asked. Kendall scrunched his lips to one side.

"Well I know one thing for sure."He said raising his eyebrows at me.

I sent him a confused look and asked, "What?" He came to a halt in the hallway and took a deep breath.

"James I..."He started, "It's not that I'm doing this because I like you more then a friend, I mean I want to cause I like you more then a friend, but...it's more..."

"It's more what? What are you going to do?"

"I want to sleep with you."

"What?!"I yelled as a blush rolled onto my cheeks, "Look I-"

"No! Not like that!" Kendall exclaimed red in the face.

"Then what do you mean?"I asked.

Kendall answered, "I want to sleep in your room _with_ you. Not...the other...at least not now..."

"Uh...lets not talk about that now." I said embarrassed.

Kendall coughed and said, "Erm, yeah. Moving on." He put on a concerned face, "I'm afraid you're going to hurt yourself again. Actually, I'm pretty sure you're going to try it again. I want to be there in the room with you so I can help you overcome this problem and keep you safe...Can I?"

"Umm..." I said softly as we both began to walk again.

"James, you scare me, you seriously need help. Please?" Kendall said.

"Well even if you did sleep in the same room as me, how would you explain it to the rest of the group?" I asked.

"I'll think of something..." Kendall said as we arrived at the door. We stood in front of the door facing each other and began to slowly close the space between us. He took hold of my hands as our lips glazed across one another. Suddenly, someone pulled the door open and we split apart quickly, panic written on our faces. Carlos stood there staring at us with a confused look on his face. He tilted his head to one side and was about to talk, but Kendall and I pushed passed him before he could say anything. When we came into full view of the orange couch we saw Mrs. Knight leaning back on it with her arms crossed, face filled with anger. She was tapping her foot uncontrollably while shaking her head.

"Katie, go to the pool for a bit while I have an important discussion with the boys." Mrs. Knight said.

"Mom, why can't I stay?" Katie whined.

"Katie, please. This is very serious and your not old enough to listen to this. Now go down to the pool." Mrs. Knight sternly said.

"But-" Katie started.

"Katie. Now!" Shouted Mrs. Knight. Katie took a few steps back confused but walked out and slammed the door.

"Soo...Mom...what's up?" Kendall asked.

"Boys, sit! Now!" yelled Mrs. Knight. We all ran to the couch and sat down. She pursed her lips and took a deep breath. "_What_ were you boys thinking? Why would you do such a thing? _I am_ shocked to hear that you would actually even think about doing drugs!"

"Woah, woah, woah! Mom! We're not doing drugs! At least James and I aren't..."Kendall shouted.

Mrs. Knight spat,"Well _according_ to Logan and Carlos, you two are up to no good!" Kendall and I glanced over at them, but they avoided are gaze.

"Why would you tell my Mom we're doing drugs if we _aren't_?"Kendall shouted at Carlos and Logan.

"Well it sounds a lot like you are!" Carlos said.

Logan added, "and, with the way you and James were acting today. _Especially_ in the kitchen when you were shouting at James about how he didn't _need_ something and how he didn't want us to find out, it sounded a lot like drugs."

"Just tell us what's going on!" Carlos said worried. They all looked at Kendall and I intensely. I bit my lip again and started shaking. Kendall looked over at me worried and let out a big sigh.

"When the time comes. If we tell you now, it won't turn out good and things will go downhill. Just give James and I some time to work things out, okay?" Kendall said, "Mom. Please? Trust me. It's not drugs. Nothing like that...sorta."

"Sorta?" Mrs. Knight said.

"Look, James is having some problems right now, and yeah, they're pretty bad, but it's not drugs. Can you just let him work stuff out for now and if it gets to the point where it's really dangerous we will come to you guys. We promise. Right James?" He looked at me with a concerned look.

"Yeah." I said gulping.

"Then what about your problem?" Logan asked.

"What?" Kendall asked.

"You said that you both shared one problem." Carlos said.

We turned red as I said, "That's something completely different." I looked down to hide my blush.

"Yeah, it's nothing. It's nothing deadly or anything. It' just... another..."Kendall looked away to hide his blush too.

"Is it...bad?" Mrs. Knight asked.

"Well...it depends how you look at it..." I said, "Can we be done talking now?"

"Wait! I also have a question!" Kendall said, "Mom?'

"Yes, what is it?" Mrs. Knight asked.

"Well, you know how you and Katie share a room? James and I thought it would be a good idea if we let Katie have her own room because she's the only girl here...that's growing up and stuff. We thought it would be nice to do that. So if Katie's up for it-" Suddenly the door burst open and Katie ran in yelling, "Yes! Yes! I like that idea!"

"Eavesdropping much?" Kendall muttered.

Katie clapped her hands together and begged, "Mom! _Please?_ Please, please, please, please, _please_?"

Mrs. Knight sighed and said, "I don't know what you two are up to, but whatever it is, it better not cause trouble. Katie, Kendall, get moving." Katie cheered and Kendall and I stood up and walked to his room. When we walked in Kendall closed the door and leaned against it sliding down until his bottom reached the ground. He sighed and looked up at me.

Kendall said, "I didn't know this would be so..."

"So stressing?" I asked joining him on the floor. He chuckled and punched me on the arm.

"Ow!" I said surprised.

"Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. I forgot you...cut yourself there..." Kendall said sadly.

I looked down and said, "I'm sorry. I'm causing so much trouble..." Kendall crawled closer to me and put an arm around my shoulder.

"We all have our problems and rough times. Everyone goes through something hard. Hey, you know what my mom always tells me when she knows I'm stressed?" Kendall asked. I looked into his eyes.

"What?" I said.

"You were given this life because you can handle it. Things may seem ugly now, but you can always turn the ugly into something beautiful, something as beautiful as you." Kendall said smiling.

"She said you were beautiful?" I asked chuckling.

"Well no-yes." Kendall said blushing, "but, you are beautiful too. So, very beautiful."

"Hand me a crown I feel like a princess." I said sarcastically.

"Well I don't have a crown." Kendall said, "I have other presents though." I felt my face heat up as he leaned in closer, pulling me towards him with the arm around my shoulder.

"Hey, Kendall, have you got some things ready to move into James's room?" Mrs. Knight said knocking at the door. We froze in place.

Kendall replied, "Yeah, I'm almost done gathering a few things. James is helping me."

"Okay. Well, hurry it up. Katie wants to sleep in there tonight and it's already eight." Mrs. Knight said back. We heard her turn around and waited until we couldn't hear her footsteps anymore. Kendall looked back at me with a huge grin on his face.

"Now," Kendall said leaning closer, "Where were we?" He tilted my chin up.

"How about you remind me?" I said smirking. We filled the space between us sharing a sweet kiss. I pulled him closer as he crawled on top of me straddling my hips. He pushed my back into the wall and I rested my hands on his shoulders. I then ran my hands up his neck and tangled them into his hair while providing more force into our heated kiss. His warm hands traveled up my shirt massaging the skin beneath it. While his hands were exploring, his lips left mine for the flesh on my neck. He nibbled lightly on my throat playing around with it with his tongue until he decided to takes his lips further down. I then pushed him backwards onto the floor and rocked my hips upon his until I felt comfortable and had my hands travel all the way up his shirt. I then removed it and laid my head upon his chest feeling his heart race beneath my ear. I kissed where his heart was and carried my lips up to his jaw sucking on it. I then licked my own lips and sealed them over his own. I moved my lips hungrily upon his and he moved his in sync. We laid there with our lips dancing while he rubbed circles into my back. After awhile he rolled us over so he was on top of me.

He then leaned forward his lips nibbling a bit on my ear and he whispered, "Even though you turn me on and I really want to continue, we'll have to do this later before someone comes in and finds out we've done no moving except on each other." He chuckled and presented me with a deep kiss before grabbing his shirt and standing up. I sat there dazed until Kendall lent me his hand and helped me up. He put on his shirt and we fixed ourselves up in the mirror to get rid of our disheveled look, and then proceeded to pack a few things away to carry into my room.

**~BTRxBTR~**

I rolled onto my stomach groaning into the bedsheets as I waited for Kendall to finish brushing his teeth. I really wanted him to get to bed so he could fall asleep and then I would take my plan into action. I haven't told him that for the past hour I've felt like cutting myself, and I didn't want to bother him with it anyways because he needs to get enough sleep to stay on Gustavo's good side tomorrow. I on the other hand don't matter because Gustavo can't stand me period.

I sighed. God, Kendall takes such a long time to brush his teeth.

I rolled off of my bed and walked to my door, which I opened quietly. I peeked out into the hallway to see nothing but black.

Everyone is fast asleep. Good, this makes my plan _much_ easier. I slowly closed the door and crawled back into bed, shutting my eyes. I don't even understand why I feel like cutting right now, but the feeling is so overwhelming and it's in such plain sight that I can't ignore it at all. I've tried to get rid of it and shove it to the back of my mind, but it just won't budge. I feel like I'm going through a major withdrawal right now because I have a burning sensation throughout my body coursing through my veins and it's torching my heart, making it feel like a heavy lump of coal on fire. My breathing has increased rapidly and my body is tingling, begging for something, anything, to break my skin and spill blood. I already have images in my mind of a knife gliding across my arm, and it seems so real because I swear I'm feeling it cutting me open right at this moment. I opened my eyes and peered at the bathroom door as Kendall walked out. Time to pretend I'm tired, time to put my plan in action. To believe that the plan is just to go to the kitchen and fetch a knife. Anyone can do that without being suspicious, hell I can say I'm just getting out a utensil to spread some peanut butter over a piece of bread, as long as it's not Kendall that walks into the kitchen. Hopefully, no one will walk into the kitchen, because then I can get that feeling of relief, control, and that feeling that makes you believe you're yourself and you're at home. The familiar feeling that drives you into the darkness so you can drift away and dream that for once in your life, something is real, and it's not reality.

A/N: sorry this one's a little short, but I worked really hard on it! I like never do homework anymore, I just write! :)


	7. Authors Note :D

Heylo :)

Yea, this isn't a chapter, sorry .

This is me just saying thank you to all who've read and/or written reviews.

You're reviews really mean a lot to me. All of them have been really positive and some have also been used for ideas and/or how I could make my story better. They all really mean a lot to me. You've all given me so much excitement when I'm writing and adkfjaslfj;aksjf;lasdjf you guys make me so happy. So thank you all so very much!

Here's my comments back to you all (For every single reviewer) :

brokenangelwings16 : I was thinking of doing a chapter from Kendalls point of view, and I think I actually might do one. I was thinking of writing this story again but in Kendall's point of view, but I'm not sure. If you have any more ideas about it, please feel free to tell me :)

sunnyDemi : Thank you for reading and reviewing my story from beginning to now. You were my first reviewer! I'm glad you're enjoying it!

'KristinaAutumnDawn. : You were my second comment! Thank you for the positive feedback, and luckily for you there aren't only 2 chapters now.

YAOI addicted Kat : Thank you so much for the positive feedback!

ShatteredDiamonds : You were the first to gift me with a very long and positive comment. I really appreciate all the positives you fed me with and the way you wrote the comment actually sounded like something proffesionally written. I'm glad you can empathize with my story. It makes me aware that I've actually been able to connect with my readers. Also, you've gotten your wish. This is a KendallXJames!

Zbbal : Yes I will! :D

The Infamous Katie : Thank you so much for your comment! And yes, your welcome for writing an honest view. It's not a topic to mess around with when it affects so many peoples lives today.

hking735, Arlinda, Lonelygrl91, & flthyltlscrt : Thank you very much :) I will continue to update this story fer sure!

VampireMangaYaoiFreak : Well I'm glad you love my story and it was able to touch your emotions. That makes me feel like a great writer because that is what I love to do: Have my readers empathize with the characters and enjoy the storyline created. :]

Just Like Coffee and Cream : Thank you so much for your honest opinion and a positive review. I will surely work on it, and I hope I've been doing what you've asked. When I have time I will also go back and edit the other chapters. Thank you again ^_^

New Warrior of Fire : Your comment made me smile nonstop. Thank you so much for your positive feedback. You really make me feel like a great writer I dream to be. I'm so glad you think my fanfiction is the best so far. Your flattery inspires me. XD

I'd also like to thank all those who've read it even though you have not put a review. I hope you enjoyed it and will continue to.

I apologize for this not being a chapter, but I am currently working on the seventh right now!!!

I love you all! Thank you so much!

(o^__________^o)~~O~O~O~O (BALLOONS FOR YOU ALL!)

~**andiftheygetme**


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Concern**

Waiting for Kendall to fall asleep was easy because he fell asleep fast, now all I have to make sure of is to not wake anyone up while doing my business, which now I can attend to. I slowly rolled off of my bed trying my best not to disturb Kendall's sleep, and softly tip toed across the room to the door which was open a crack. I made sure that the door was open a little so that I wouldn't make a lot of noise when opening it. I quickly peered over to Kendall to confirm he still was asleep and saw no movement and heard no sound so I walked out the door to make my way to the kitchen.

After silently walking to the kitchen I checked my surroundings to see if anyone was here but found it safe to open the utensil drawer. I opened it up to find all sorts of sharp metals gleaming in the little light that shined upon it. I looked through all the knives we had until I found the perfect one. It was a few inches long and had large sharp ridges across the blade and ended with an extremely sharp point. It was so perfect. I took a deep breath, closed the utensil drawer, and walked back to my room shutting the bedroom door quietly and entered the bathroom. I closed it leaving a little crack and turned on a dim light. I swallowed and took off my shirt revealing my old cuts and scars, and then I pressed the blade onto an area of untouched skin and slid it slowly across my arm. I shivered at the feel of my friend I had missed dearly before continuing to make another incision in my arm. I closed my eyes basking in the adrenaline that rushed through my body and bit my lip as I drew a few more deep cuts into my wrist. I then traveled over to my right arm and dragged the knife slowly from the inside of my elbow to the end of my wrist. I watched beads of blood bubble up from my wound until it began to run down my hand and droplets of it fell to the floor. I took the knife below my breast and began to make small cuts all over. I took a deep breath before continuing to cut again until I felt two arms wrap around me while retrieving the knife from my left hand. I panicked inside as I heard the knife fall to the floor and a head buried into my shoulder. I could feel some water seeping through my shirt and I removed the head from my shoulder and turned around scared as I saw Kendall looking at me with a serious face but having small tears running down it. I felt tears sting in my eyes as I stuttered out some words.

"I...I-I..I'm....s-sorry." I whispered wiping a tear from my eye. He shook his head and wrapped his arms around me pulling me in tight to his chest. He nuzzled his face into my neck kissing it as I began to cry. Kendall shushed me, rocking me a bit as I kept repeating my apologies to him. We stood there hugging and crying for awhile before I finally calmed down a bit. He took my arms and ran them under water dabbing each of my cuts softly with a rag making sure to get every drop of blood off of my arm and my stomach. He then applied some cream with care over each cut and then bandaged all my new wounds that were still bleeding a little bit. He then threw my bloody shirt into the sink and held my hand, leading me out of the bathroom, leaving the knife and blood stains on the floor.

"We need to get you a new shirt." Kendall said softly as he walked over to our closet. I sat on our bed as he picked out a long sleeve navy blue shirt. He then picked out another black short sleeve shirt and threw them onto our bed.

"Why are you giving me two shirts?" I asked. He then pointed to his shirt revealing a blood stain I must have put there accidently. I mouthed an "Oh" and then looked down at my lap.

"Hey," Kendall whispered lifting my chin up, "Slip ups happen, but you still need to work a little harder. Why didn't you wake me or something when you felt like this?" I looked away biting my lip to hold back a cry. Kendall sat down next to me and held my hand kissing it.

"I'm sorry." I said softly, "I don't know why...I guess I thought I'd be a burden...You shouldn't be up. You should be getting rest for tomorrow..." Kendall and I looked at each other as he stroked my hand and played around with my fingers.

"You aren't and never will be a burden to me. If you're having trouble even though I'm supposed to be getting rest for something, wake me up anyways. You're life is more important then me losing a day of sleep." He smiled at me as I looked down at my lap again, but this time blushing.

"I love you." I whispered. He smiled at me and kissed my cheek.

"I love you too." He said. He then took off his shirt and went to grab the black shirt off of our bed, but I snatched it first and threw it onto the floor. He looked at me confused before I climbed onto his lap and smashed our lips together. He began to kiss back once he got the message and put his hand on my back running his fingers along my spine, sending shivers throughout my body. I rocked my hips a little and he let out a small moan sliding his nails across my back. He then broke our lip lock and began kissing my neck and running his hands up and down my chest. His hand brushed against one of my nipples, and I let out a short moan as he began to rub his hands over both of them repeatedly. As he busied his hands he busied his mouth too nipping at the side of my neck and swirling his tongue around the area. He then bit down hard against my throat and I gasped in surprise.

"...nn..mm." I said as he then wrapped his mouth around one of my nipples, flicking it with his tongue and teasing it with his teeth. He sucked on it harder and harder making sure that I let out small moans. When his mouth left my chest I flipped him over making sure to slowly rub over his dick as I crawled to capture his mouth with mine. I heard him groan with pleasure when I rubbed over him and smiled into our kiss. I rubbed my body upon his again as he groaned louder through our kiss. I then felt his tongue explore my mouth licking every spot he could in there until I began to battle his tongue with mine and lick around the inside of his cheeks. I could taste his mint toothpaste as my tongue rolled across his teeth surveying each and every part of his mouth with mine. I felt myself get hard as he began to massage my nipples again pinching them and flicking them as much as possible.

"...Kendall..." I whispered as he switched our positions. He then looked at me and grabbed my cock through my boxers as I let out a gasp.

"I can feel that you're enjoying this." Kendall said with a smirk plastered onto his face. I blushed as he began to stroke my dick slowly. I felt a thousand butterflies swirling around in my stomach as he massaged harder.

"Ah...oh..Kendall..." I whined. He let go of my dick and rubbed his body against my hard member having us both groan in pleasure. He then began to play with my nipples again as he rubbed his lower regions against me with more force. I felt his dick harden against mine as he began to grind into me harder while moaning my name. I began to rub back rocking our hips as he licked one of my nipples again. I grinded harder against him picking up the pace to match his speed. I threw my head back in pleasure.

"Oh my god....Kendall." I said a little to loud. He shushed me and began to hump me with such force it made my cock throb with pleasure. I humped him back slamming my manhood against his creating a lot friction between us.

"Fuck...James." He said a loud. I began to breathe hard and felt my heart race as we laid there grinding our cocks together through the thin layer of cloth we had between us humping and rubbing against each other rapidly bouncing the bed. I moaned loudly as he growled in ecstasy.

"Oh! Kendall..mm..ah!" I cried out, "Harder.." He obeyed my command and humped me harder and I replied by rubbing against him with increased speed.

"Mm...James...Fuck!" He hissed. We slowed down but rubbed as hard as we could feeling ourselves about to reach our climax.

"Kendall...I'm going to-ah!" I moaned.

"Me too!" He responded panting. We rubbed our manhood together one last time before releasing in our boxers. I could feel the cum running all over the inside of my thighs and I could feel the wetness of his boxers touching my leg. He rubbed his body against me one last time as I let out a moan before rolling off of me onto a space next to me on the bed.

"Oh...my god..."Kendall said softly breathing violently.

"That was amazing.."I said looking at him smiling. It then clicked into my head what just happened. We...me and Kendall...just had dry sex. He looked at me and I could tell he had just thought the same thing. He leaned closer to me until his lips reached my cheek and he planted a soft kiss there.

"Do you think anyone heard us?" I asked nervously. He let out a big sigh.  
"I really hope not. Besides, they're all asleep and our door is closed...and...fuck I hope not." He said and then muttered something to himself about his damn hormones. I chuckled as he put his bloody shirt in the sink and put our clean ones on. We then got into the bed, not caring to change our boxers and closed our eyes until sleep took us away.

**~BTRxBTR~**

"Okay, breakfast is ready for you boys to eat, I'm going to take Katie shopping for some new clothes. You guys behave. Alright?"

"Okay, we understand. Bye Mom! Bye Katie!" Kendall said.

"Bye!" They said as they walked out the door. When the door closed I scooped some pancakes onto my plate while the others piled bacon and eggs onto theirs. When I was done I took a big mouthful of my pancake enjoying the sweet taste it left in my mouth.

"So...who took it up the ass last night?" Carlos asked smirking. Kendall and I spat out our food.

"What?" We said in unison.

"You know what I'm talking about! Logan and I could hear your moans loud and clear!" Carlos said.

"Yeah, and what's that on your neck James? A hickey I bet!" Logan said.

"Is not!" I said embarassed. Kendall laughed.

"I know what you guys are talking about!" Kendall said smirking, "That would be James moaning. He got sick last night and I stayed up a bit taking care of him. He felt horrible, something with his stomach." Carlos gave us the eyebrow.

"I think we can tell the difference between a 'Oh! Kendall! I feel sick' , and a 'Oh! Kendall! Fuck me harder.'"Carlos said. Logan laughed.

"We didn't have sex." I said rolling my eyes.

"Well then, let's find out." Carlos said standing up.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kendall asked standing up with them. They started walking into our room.

"Hey, what the fuck? We don't just waltz into your room!" I yelled running after them. Carlos was standing next to our bed and Logan was staring at our wall.

"Hey...what happened to the mirror?" Logan asked. It had a huge crack in it from when I threw my book at it. We cleaned up all the broken shards that fell but the mirror was _still_ there and it _still _had a crack in it.

"That's none of your business." I said in a harsh tone.

"Well that doesn't sound suspicious at all..." Said Carlos, his words dripping with sarcasm, "Logan, check the bathroom." I panicked and ran in front of the bathroom door.

"What the fuck? Stop it! We don't invade your room and privacy, so leave us ours!" I yelled.

"You guys are really taking things to far!" Kendall shouted. Logan faced us with tears welling in his eyes and screamed back, "We're fucking worried about you guys! Okay? What else are we supposed to do? We don't want you guys keeping us in the dark! We want to help you! We care for you! Can't you spare us that much?"

"Look, we can tell you some stuff if James agrees, just..." Kendall started.

"Please...just don't go into the bathroom...please..." I said crying.

"Dude, we're going into the bathroom. We're not going to let you guys leave us in the dark anymore!" Carlos shouted he walked up to me to move me from the door. I pushed him away but he grabbed me and was trying to open the door. Logan grabbed on to my other arm and Kendall tried pulling Logan away.

"Guys! Please don't!"I cried, "Please stop!"

"Just leave this alone guys!" Kendall yelled.

"We're not leaving anything alone"Carlos shouted trying to pry me away from the door. Logan grabbed my arm pulling me away while Carlos was pushing me away but Kendall pushed Logan back while trying to get his grip off of me, suddenly Carlos let go of me as he and Logan fell backwards ontop of eachother pulling Kendall down with them and Carlos opened the door.

"Fuck! No!" I yelled as I saw Carlos's face turn pale. He looked down at the floor and started breathing fast, frozen in shock. I got up to pull Carlos away but Logan pulled me back down. I started to cry and Kendall pushed Logan away and cradled me in his arms. Logan got up and looked into the bathroom and his face turned into a replica of Carlos's. I stood up with Kendall and peered into the bathroom to see what they were seeing. When I looked into the bathroom I started sobbing more. There were blood stains on the floor and around the sink. Kendall's and my shirt from last night were in the sink covered with blood and bandages were sitting in the corner of the sink opened and ready to use. The knife I took from the kitchen was still on the floor stained with my blood and you could see all the bloody bandages I have used before in the past sitting in the trash can.

I crashed my head against the wall and slid down kneeling on the floor. I sobbed loudly and Kendall grabbed me and pulled me into another warm hug. He patted my back shushin me.

"It's not the end of the world, James...Everything will be okay in the end." Kendall whispered, "If it's not okay, then it's not the end." I cried harder into his chest. Carlos and Logan looked at us with confused yet concerned faces.

"What is all this from...is this what I think it is?" Logan asked. He kneeled down and took my arms, but I pulled them away.

"Don't fucking look! This is none of your business!" I yelled at him. Kendall shushed me.

"It's okay James. They're just as concerned as I am." Kendall said softly.

"I don't want them to see what I've done to myself..." I cried.

Kendall let go of me and looked at me sadly, "It's okay James, I promise." I bit my lip and looked away from them. Logan took my arms and rolled up both my sleeves slowly. When they were all the way up I could feel them eyeing every single detail. There were old but noticeable scars and gashes everywhere, some formed in x's overlapping each other. The new ones were all bandaged, but some blood had seeped through some of them during the night. The one they eyed the most was the one from the inside of my elbow to the end of my wrist, which the whole bandage couldn't cover so most of it was covered with multiple bandages, but the ends of it weren't covered all the way and a lot of blood had seeped through. I looked up to see Carlos covering his mouth, he looked like he was about to cry.

Logan looked me in the eyes and asked, "Are there more?" I began to cry again and saw Kendall nod.

"I...I." I started. I looked down and removed my shirt. Logan took a look at my rib cage where I had cut and saw where I had cut 'worthless' and other rand gashes on my upper arm.

"James...why..why do you do this?" Carlos asked.

Logan said, "What made you think of hurting yourself like this?"

I looked at Kendall for help, and he looked down and held me back in his arms.

This was going to be a long day.


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry for being so late on updating! I could give you excuses but it wouldn't really change a thing. I sort of rushed through this chapter because I didn't want to aggravate you guys, so, this chapter is serious, but not as serious as it was supposed to be, but the next chapter is going to be filled with some pretty difficult and serious issues that are going to be acknowledged. So, be prepared...and now...*drum roll* here is the 8th chapter. Please enjoy!**

**Chapter 8: Oh, _my_ god...!**

I felt like the world was watching me, every breath I took, every expression I made, eying me up and down looking at every detail etched into my body. I felt completely naked, and I don't like it, not one bit. I just wanted to disappear. Luckily I was comforted by Kendall, I was literally melting into his warm arms, trying to become invisible. I was being interrogated by Carlos and Logan already, well they only asked me two questions, but they were tough questions, ones that are not only I'm trying to figure completely out myself, but ones I'm not ready to answer either.

It doesn't help that I feel so crowded and exposed in this room right now, I know it's only Kendall, Carlos and Logan with me, but it's still uncomfortable. Hell, I haven't even told Kendall anything about why I cut myself, now I have to tell him _and_ Carlos and Logan. Fuck, I hope this doesn't get out to Mrs. Knight, and Katie...would they tell her? Man, this is just too much. I don't want to take this, but I always feel like I have to go back to my razor...I don't want to part from it...Kendall already hid it and any other sharp objects I had, I know I shouldn't be dependent on pain, but it's so,_so_ much better then emotional turmoil.

I heard Kendall say my name and I raised my head to look up at him but my sight was blurred by my tears. Kendall wiped a few away before pushing his face towards mine until we were centimeters a part.

"Are you ready to tell us anything about you hurting yourself?" Kendall asked. I shook my head and Kendall looked up at Carlos and Logan and said, "He's not ready. Let's give him some time. That's the least we can do." Logan and Carlos sighed but nodded in understanding.

"One more question though, are you two...gay for each other or something?" Carlos asked. I looked at Kendall biting my lip trying to send a message across with my eyes. Kendall glared at Carlos and Logan and said sternly, "Will you two just let it go? We're not gay! That's also not the best thing to bring up when James is going through something like this."

Logan sighed, "Yeah, you're right Kendall. I'm sorry. We're just...we really care about you and James, and you, James, hurting yourself like this...we're really worried and we've got your back. We're your friends,"

"and brothers! We care for you man. So if you ever need anything Logan and I are here for you, okay?" Carlos said putting an arm around Logan's shoulder. They smiled at us and scruffled my hair. I shooed their hands away.

"Don't _touch _my hair!" I said scowling at them. We all laughed as I began fixing my hair.

"Well, we'll leave you guys a lone. We're going down to the pool, so, if you guys want to join us down there in awhile, we'll be waiting.

"Sure, I guess we'll go down in a bit." I said looking at Kendall. He nodded and they left the room. When they left the room, I closed the door to our bathroom and fell back onto the bed. Kendall walked over leaning over me and kissed me. I felt my face become wet and I looked up at Kendall as my vision blurred. He laid back on our bed and wrapped his arms around my form pushing me against his body. I buried my head into his chest crying as he rested his head on mine.

"Things will be okay. Remember that. You've got so many people who love you and want to help you build a bridge over this road block. You will get over it, even if I have to drag your body to the other side." He said tightening his grip around me. My lips formed into a smile and I closed my eyes drifting off slowly.

**~BTRxBTR~**

"James." I heard as I felt my body rocking back and forth forcefully, "James! Wake up!" I opened my eyes slowly and grabbed the hand that was shaking me.

"What?" I said yawning. I looked up to see Kendall's form laying next to me, his head propped up with his hand, elbow digging into the mattress. He looked...extremely sexy. I blushed at the thought and looked away.

"You fell asleep for a half hour. I just wanted to make sure if you still wanted to go to the pool with Logan and Carlos." He said.

"Sure. Let's get ready." I said starting to roll off the bed. Kendall grabbed me around the waist pulling me back onto the bed. He sat ontop of me giving me a smirk.

"No rush, we can take our time." He said. I felt my face turn red as he added, "Well, this will be easier, you're already shirtless..." He leaned his head forward and nibbled on my neck before bringing his lips to my ear whispering, "and I bet you're in the mood for a lot of stress relieving." He ran his fingers up my chest licking the outside of my ear.

"Kendall...?" I whimpered. He licked my neck swirling his tongue in circles.

"Ssshhh." He said blowing at my neck. I shivered before moaning in surprise as he bit the skin on my neck. He began sucking it and playing around with it scraping it with his teeth. I felt his lips moved down my neck but I grabbed his head with my hands pulling his face to mine and kissed him. He rubbed against me, making me groan loudly. Memories of last night flooded into my mind and I could feel myself hardening. He slipped his mouth away from mine and looked me in the eyes.

"Kendall?" I said as he brought his mouth onto my nipple, "mmm...Kendall-" He swirled his tongue around it taking some breaks to tease it with his teeth, "Kendall!" He stopped and gazed at me.

"_God_, I love how you say my name." He said sighing, "Yes?"I curled my hands with his and nibbled on my lip. He then pinched my lips together and said, "That's my job. Now, what do you want?"

"You." I muttered softly. He tilted his head to the side.

"What?" He asked.

"Are we going too fast?" I asked. He gave me a surprised look and pursed his lips.

"Um...yeah, actually we've gone really far..."

"Oh..."I said.

He gave me a worried look and said, "Hey, if you ever want to stop, we can. I don't want to go any further then you want to, well actually, let me rephrase that. I'm not going to do anything that will make you uncomfort-" I smashed my lips onto his moving them slowly until he separated his from mine.

"I won't do anything you don't want to do." I said blushing.

"What do you want to do?" He said smirking at me. I pushed him away and got off of the bed.

"Go down to the pool." I said laughing as his face turned into a shocked one. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

He put on a serious face and said, "So...let me get this straight. You are going to leave me all by myself in _our _room _with_ a hard on?"

I smiled and said, "Yes." He looked down at my pants and chuckled.

"Did I forget to mention you have one too?" He smirked and pinned me down on the bed, "You're not going anywhere until we get rid of this..._problem_." I laughed and he gave me a pouting face.

"Fine!" I said letting out a big sigh. He licked his lips.

"What do you want now?" He asked. I wrapped my legs around him and brought him down rubbing hard against him, making him moan.

"You." I said. He smiled and started rubbing against me, but I bit my lip so I wouldn't moan. This will be fun, it'll torture him not hearing me.

He kissed my shoulder before biting down on it and then began licking a path down my my chest until he got to the waist line of my sweat pants. He slipped his hand underneath them, slowly pulling them down. I used my feet to help pull them off. I then tugged at his shirt giving him the message to take it off. I got onto my knees and brought my lips to his slowly rubbing our erections together. I did my best to keep my mouth shut and let him do all the moaning. I felt him rub back harder and I bit my lip hard and whimpered softly. He stopped rubbing against me.

"God damn it, will you moan? I want to hear the pleasure I'm giving you." I shook my head and he sighed, "Well, I'll have to change that." He smirked and grabbed my erection throgh my boxers and squeezed it. I gasped and then bit down on my lip again to prevent me from moaning. He then slipped his hand underneath my boxers stroking the inside of my thigh, "Come on, moan. Moan my name..."

"Y-you're s-s-s-u-uch a horny-y b-bastard!" I stuttered. He smirked and began stroking my hard member with his one hand, making sure to tickle it with his fingers and occasionally squeezing it.

"Mmm!" I said. He began stroking it faster.

"Come one, say it." He began to play with the tip and I could feel myself sweating. He leaned forward licking one of my nipples. I shivered and muttered, "K...k..."

"Come on! If you want more..." He started as he rubbed my tip with his thumb. He put his mouth to my ear and whispered seductively, "Say my name." He began rubbing my dick faster and faster until I couldn't take it anymore.

"_Kendall!!_"I moaned loudly. He let go of my length and slid his hand up my back before pressing our erections together rubbing them with force. My back arched as he created more friction between us licking my neck.

"Oh...James!" He groaned rubbing faster. I dug my fingers into the skin of his shoulders letting out a mix of gasps and moans as he continued our rubbing. I began humping him as I did last time and he began to slide his hands from my back to the hem of my boxers.

"Kendall! Oh, my god..."He kept grinding into me while kissing my neck and began to slide his hands beneath my boxers.

"James...fuck!" He said as I dug my nails into his shoulders.

"Please do!"I gasped. He grinded harder, biting my neck. He then began biting my chest as my back arched at the pleasure. I yelled out his name in a long, loud moan.

"OH, MY GOD!!" A voice screamed. We stopped what we were doing and looked at the door. There standing, was none other, then Kendall's mom.

"Holy, shit!" Kendall yelled. I panicked and hid under the covers of the bed.

"Fuck!" I added. God I hope she didn't see my cuts...I don't know which would be worse...

"Mom....uh...what are you doing-"

"Kendall! J-James! G-get dressed! Couch! N-n-ow! Oh my god! I can't...you...James..." She said before taking a deep breath and slammed the door shut yelling, "Oh my god!"

"Mom, what happened?" We heard Katie ask. Kendall fell onto the bed stomach facing up.

"K-K..atie! Not now..." We heard Mrs. Knight say.

"Shit." Kendall moaned. I was breathing really fast, panicking. I don't know what to do. I guess all I can do is get dressed and....fuck...

"Kendall...I can't go out there."

"Well we can't stay in here forever. There's nothing else we can do."

"You're taking this rather well..."

"Me? My mom just walked in on my best friend and I having dry sex, and we were about to go further! I'm freaking out right now! I've never been in this kind of situation....I..." Kendall started shaking. I bit my lip, scared. What do I do? He's... I sighed aloud and crawled over and wrapped my arms around him. He stopped shaking and looked me in the eye. He swallowed hard and said, "I'm sorry. I've....This is my mom! I didn't think she'd be home yet...and...God, James. I'm sorry, this is all my fault. You didn't have to be put through this. If...if you regret doing this then, I don't blame you if you want to stop going out. I mean I've done nothing but shit for you and-"

"Stop saying that!" I said loudly, "You've done so much for me! Besides all the sexual stuff, which I love...it's great...anyways, I mean, we've been best friends for years and you've always been there for me, supporting me, and when you found out one of my big secrets and I ran away...you came after me! You did! You're now doing everything in your power you can to help me. You're even staying in the same room as me, which also benefitted the sexual stuff, but all the things you say to make me feel better out myself and my situation and even with Carlos and Logan! When I was cornered and lost...you took care of me, you've said things that are just... I don't care anymore if people find out...well I do...but close people...you've showed me opening up is something I have to do, and thinking positive will help me find the way out of my problems. Kendall... I love you. Please... don't throw our relationship away." I felt liquid pour from my eyes and slide slowly down my cheeks, "I know I'm just mumbling some random stuff right now...I don't know what else to say...I mean there's so much...I-"

Two arms wrapped around me and held me close. I looked up with my watery eyes at his face and he placed a small kiss on my forehead before saying, "James, you haven't even made it close to my list of things to let go of. You're on the top of my 'fuck him senseless-", I _mean_..." He smiled at me and we both chuckled. "No, James, you're on the 'love him and if I screw up I"m dead' list."

I smiled at him and asked, "Since when do you have lists?" He kissed my lips again.

"I plead the fourth." He said bluntly.

"Okay, first off, It's 'I plead the fifth'. Second, we're not in fucking court." I said snuggling my head into his chest.

"James?" Kendall said. I looked up at him, "I love you." He placed his lips onto mine and I kissed him back softly repeating the words back to him.

"We should hurry and get out of here soon before your mom freaks out any more then she already has." I said standing up putting my sweats back on.

Kendall stood up with me and began to put his clothes back on as well. "I am _so_, not excited." He groaned. Once we got our clothes on we headed to the door. Kendall reached for the door handle, but I grabbed his hand and pushed it away.

"Hey Kendall." I said. He looked at me confused.

He muttered, "What?"

I sighed, "Am I allowed to be on _two_ of your lists?"

"_Why?_" He asked even more puzzled.

"I do like the list I'm on right now, don't get me wrong, but I want to be on one other list." I said.

"Okay...which one?" He said raising his eyebrows. I put on a huge grin and pressed my lips against his ear.

"Place my name at the top of the 'Fuck him senseless' list." I whispered. I pulled away smirking and opened the door leaving him behind red in the face.


	10. Chapter 9

_Flashback (or putting more emphasizing on a word)_

"Talking"

Story

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Nine: One More Time Won't Hurt**

I must say, this has to be the most awkward and embarassing situation I've ever been in in my life. Here I am sitting on a comfy orange couch in room 2J, with my "once secret" boyfriend Kendall, across from his lovely mom, Mrs. Knight, who had caught us "getting it on" in our bedroom, now making our relationship "far from a secret", and completely embarassing us, leaving us with no pride left and scared shitless at what she will do or say next.

Well, I guess I can't blame her for reacting the way she did. I mean, she opened a door to find her sixteen year old son and his best friend making out in their boxers, with their obviously clear to see boners, grinding against each other, both moaning each others names...I really hope she didn't notice Kendall's hand down my boxers...or my cuts. Shit! I hope I hid in time for that. Or else I'll be completely screwed over...shit, shit, shit!

I let out a big sigh.

Still, the lady could have knocked. It isn't _her_ room, it's me and Kendall's room. 'James' and 'Kendall'. It does not say 'Mrs. Knight'.

I sighed again.

Mrs. Knight, trying to avoid eye contact, said "Kendall... James...I-"

"Wait! Mom, before you say anything, can you please get rid of Katie." We all looked at Katie who groaned in annoyance.

The front door clicked open to reveal Carlos and Logan walking in with wet towels.

"Hey guys, what's going...on?" Carlos asked confused.

"Well it does look important. Did we interrupt something?" Logan said.

Mrs. Knight looked at Carlos and Logan and asked, "Do you two know about this at all?"

"Oh! So you found out about James?" Carlos said.

"James? What about Kendall?" Mrs. Knight asked eyeing the boys.

Logan punched Carlos in the gut making him wince. "Idiot!" Logan said.

I hid my face behind my head breathing heavily.

Shit, this is not good. In a matter of a few days I've seemed to screw up everything. Not just for me, but for everyone else. God, I'm such a dumbass.

"Okay," Mrs Knight said sternly, "Here's the deal, if you four don't tell me what's going on right now, you will all be in so much trouble that you will all be sleeping with the lights on for the rest of your life!"

Kendall leaned back on the couch and said, "Well this stuff isn't exactly PG...so Katie-"

Katie stomped her foot and rolled her eyes before saying, "Oh, _come on_! I'm going to find out what's going on with you guys anyways! I always do. Besides, I watch R movies all the time-I mean..."

Mrs. Knight glared at Katie and stood up. She shouted, "All of you, sit! _Now!_" Everyone scrambled to the couch, squishing against each other, trying to find room, "One of you has to start talking this instant, or else I get to choose. You have five seconds. Five..."

I can't tell anyone what's going on...fuck. What am I going to do? I'm completely screwed over. What will she say when she finds out? What if she hates me? She probably already does now that she knows what her son and his best friend are doing in their 'free time'.

"Four" Mrs. Knight raised an eye at me and I quickly looked away.

"Three"

I don't want to be here. Everything's going to end up badly. I just know it!

I looked at Kendall and he looked at me with a worried expression

"Two"

If I hadn't been an idiot...if I just didn't exist, none of them would bee iin so much trouble. I got them all into this mess and I'm unintentionally bringing them down with me. They would be so happy and better off if I wasn't here.

"One"

Everyone remained silent. There wasn't a sound or movement in the room except for the impatient tapping of Mrs. Knight's foot upon the floor.

I could feel myself tearing up a bit, but I held my tears back as best as I could.

"Okay then," Mrs. Knight said dissapointed, "I'll choose the one I know best. Kendall, what do you have to say?"

Kendall kept his head down and softly asked, "Are you talking about what just happened?"

"What do you think?"

"I think you know what you saw," Kendall said, lifting his head up glaring at his mother, " or else you wouldn't have screamed."

"Don't use that attitude with me. Ever." Mrs. Knight snapped.

"Do I have to tell them...? It's not really something...too..."Kendall muttered.

Mrs. Knight looked at her son admiringly and said softly, "I promise you that we're all okay and understanding with your choice. We love you and James very much, no matter what. I'm your mother and I support how you feel because it's something that you can't and don't need to change. Love is a strange thing, but it's something special you need to cherish. This goes for all of you. Am I not right, everyone?'

Kendall and I looked around the room to see heads nodding in agreement, then Kendall looked at me biting his lip. I nodded my head at him, signaling him that he can tell everyone. There was no way out of this now, even if I wanted it.

"Um..._well_? I-I...I-I'm...I'm...," Kendall took a deep breath beforing blurting out, "I'm gay." I looked around to see Carlos's and Logan's face frozen, Mrs. Knight's face looked nervous, and Katie's eyes and mouth were frozen into a big 'O'.

"And?" Mrs. Knight prodded. Kendall let out a big sigh and gave his mom the 'Seriously?' look, which of course she responded, "Seriously."

Kendall continued to speak, "And...I have a boyfriend. He's...he's someone very special to me and...I'm proud to be called his. Even if no one else excepts it...because...because...I love him. I want to be with him forever. I'm in love with him. I'm...in love..." Kendall turned to me and lifted my chin slowly, and claimed my lips with his. I softly kissed back a bit before we separated, "with James." He smiled at me and I looked down blushing, but with a smile on my face, "I'm in love with James Diamond."

He's in love with me...

Carlos laughed and said, "So we were right? That is a hickey on your neck and-"

"Carlos..." Logan said.

"-you two were having sex-"

"Carlos!" Logan said louder.

"last night and-"

"CARLOS!" Logan shouted jabbing him in the stomach.

"Sorry..." Carlos muttered.

It was silent for a few seconds before Logan said, "Really, you didn't hear them last night Mrs.-"

"HYPOCRITE!" Carlos yelled at Logan, smacking him in the face.

"We didn't have sex last night!" Kendall shouted blushing.

"We're you going to today?" Mrs. Knight asked with an eyebrow.

"No!" I shouted hiding my face in a pillow.

"I saw where your hand was Kendall." Mrs. Knight said.

"MOM! Did you have to say that out loud?" Kendall yelled red in the face.

"Okay! Stop! Ew!" Katie screamed, "Ew, mom? I do not need to hear or know the sex life of my brother!...and James! This is so wrong! I don't care if I watch R movies! I'm like...12, and we're talking about Gay Sex. _Gay Sex_! What's wrong with todays society? No...scratch that..._our family_?!"

"This is so awkward and _embarassing_! Can we _please _be done?" I asked biting my lip.

"Well wasn't there something else we were supposed to talk about?" Mrs. Knight asked.

"No!" I shouted, "Can we please leave?"

"Didn't Carlos say something about James?" Katie asked raising her eyebrows at me.

"N-no! That was about the gay thing!" I said trying to cover up for Carlos's mistake.

Katie said, "I don't think-"

"Mom! Everything's fine! Can you just let us go while you talk to Katie about her watching R movies?" Kendall shouted.

"I don't care anymore. I'm done with this conversation. All that's happened here has been humiliating and I don't want to be apart of this. I'm leaving. I said on the verge of tears. I stood up and immediatly Kendall did too.

"Kendall sit back down, I'm not done with you. Carlos, Logan, I'm not done with you two either."

I kept walking.

It's okay Kendall. It's better if you not be with me when I do what I've been waiting to do...what I've needed to do for so long.

Kendall said, "Mom, I really need to be with James right now!"

"No, you will sit your butt down right now and continue this conversation with us."

I looked back at Kendall shaking my head, tears pouring down my eyes.

"James! Wait!" Kendall shouted. I walked into our room and slammed the door.

"James!" I heard Kendall yell.

I locked the door and walked to the bathroom. All I could hear now were muffled voices and blurred shouts of anger. Nothing matters now.

But Kendall...Kendall loves me. He said he was in love with me. Should I really go through with this? I don't understand...why would Kendall choose me? Out of everyone in the world...he chose me. I'm probably the biggest mistake of his life. Why did my parents even think of bringing me into this world. Oh, that's right...they don't think. They just give birth to you and forget you're even there. They only did it for the sex. They forgot a condom and guess what? I happened. They haven't paid any attention to me since I was born. All they gave me was a babysitter, and when they did pay attention to me it was only to make sure I wasn't doing anything bad...so I could make them "look good". I remember when they even said that.

* * *

_"Hey," I called into the house as I walked in,"I'm home.' _

_Of course...no answer. I threw my bag onto the ground and walked into the kitchen. When I reached the kitchen I walked over to the cabinets to find a glass. I opened the first one to see all new and clean glasses carefully placed within the cupboard. I took the one closest to reach and closed the cabinet door. I walked over to the sink and turned on the tap water and filled my cup up to the brim before turning it off and taking a sip._

_"James! Where are you?" My mom called. That's weird, they usually don't talk to me until dinner time._

_"I'm in the kitchen" I yelled back setting my glass on the kitchen table. Then my parents walked into the kitchen and up to me with curious faces, "What's up?"_

_"How are your grades James?" My mother said._

_"Are you getting all A's?" Asked my father. They looked down at me waiting for an answer they wanted to hear, and I know what they wanted to hear: I'm getting all A's._

_"Well...I guess." I said looking down._

_"You guess? You sound unsure." My mother said sternly, "Why are you unsure?"_

_I looked down and said, "Well...I have a B in Math." My father's face began to burn after he heard the words that came out of my mouth._

_"You what?" He asked almost yelling._

_"I-I have a B, but I can raise it to an A! The end of the semester isn't even close yet!" I said. My mother gave me a dirty look and walked out of the room leaving me alone with my father, "Father...I..." _

_He grabbed my hair and slammed my head on the table. I cried out in pain as he yelled, "You are becoming such a disgrace! You're making us look terrible. Do you want us to look like terrible parents?"_

_"N-no." I said crying._

_"Are we terrible parents?"He yelled pulling my hair harder. _

_I winced before crying, "N-no. You guys are wonderful."_

_"Then prove to us how wonderful you are!" My dad yelled. He then picked my head up by my hair again and slammed me onto the ground and walked away after saying, "Make us look good, or you won't be looking good at all in the end."_

* * *

I closed the bathroom door and eyed the bloody knife still lying on the ground.

No one will have to deal with me anymore. No one will have to carry a burden on their shoulders. Kendall can find someone who really deserves him...They can all be their own band, they would enjoy it, Gustavo will enjoy it a lot. I know that for a fact.

I slowly leaned down and picked up the knife, feeling the intense cold shock my skin. There was still blood caked onto it from my last use. I turned on the sink, wiping the old blood off of the knife until it shined within the light again.

I felt my blood boil beneath my skin. I could tell I was nervous, I feel guilty already for thinking about doing this, but it really would be better off for everyone, and Kendall...Kendall could find someone who deserves him.

Someone that's not me.

I touched the blade to my wrist adrenaline rushing throughout my body.

One more time won't hurt.


	11. Chapter 10

Text

_**Song Lyrics**_

_flashbacks/emphasis on words_

"Talking"

A/N: I do not own the song in this chapter. It's called "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails by the way I'll be gone for a week in Mexico, so I won't be posting for a week after this, but while I'm there I'm going to write at least two chapters which I will post once I get back. Please enjoy this chapter for now! :)

**Chapter 10: Hurt**

_**I hurt myself today**_

_**To see if I still feel**_

Why am I this way? Why am I so...dead. I'm like the walking dead. Except...I'm not a zombie, a vampire, stuff that usually people think are cool and like to write stories about. I'm just...me. There's nothing special I can think of about me. I guess I have great looks...and a good voice...but it's just not good enough. I'm not good enough for anything. I don't have that one thing that makes me different and special from everyone else. I'm just a walking lifeless doll. The dolls that are gorgeous but have no soul. They have that beautiful, flawless, glowing skin and their body form is shaped just right. They have clothes that fit them personality and style wise, sometimes frilly and fancy, other times neat and historical, and their hair is always styled in a beautiful manner. Flat as paper, maybe curled into soft ringlets, or styled into an elegant bun. Then once you take a look into their eyes, everything stops. You don't know what to feel because it doesn't have a feeling. There's no feeling to it. You have to create one for them, or you just let them sit there and gather dust. I'm just like that. I'm beautiful...you see all the beauty on and around me...but if you look into my eyes, where I really stand, I'm lifeless. When you look into lifeless eyes, you feel sorrow, depression, and that's why you will usually walk away from such a beautiful doll, because you feel like you can't help them, because it's only for display.

The only thing you can do about it, is play with it. So I chose to play with the doll I have. The only doll I have is me, and since I can't find any reason to be here, I can't create anymore reason to exist, I choose to destroy the doll I have. The doll I am. I don't want to be used for display and then eventually gather up dust. I want to be happy, and this is the only way I can feel happy, and in the process, make others happy too.

_**I focus on the pain**_

_**The only thing that's real**_

I could feel the tears sting my eyes as I traced around the knife with my fingertips, drawing out a thin line of blood every time my fingers crossed paths with the pointy edges sticking out of the knife's blade.

I looked at my bloody fingers and watched the red liquid bubble at the very surface of the small cuts.

I wonder why watching my blood calms my nerves, but at the same time, sends shivers throughout my body.

It's almost indescribable...

I felt the water flow down my face, slowly dripping down my jaw onto myneck.

* * *

_"James?" Kendall said. I looked up at him, "I love you." He placed his lips onto mine and I kissed him back softly repeating the words back to him._

* * *

I dropped the knife and pressed my knees up against my chest and began to sob.

"W-why..." I whispered aloud, "Why am I going through this?" I closed my eyes shut and screamed into my lap.

* * *

_Logan sighed, "Yeah, you're right Kendall. I'm sorry. We're just...we really care about you and James, and you, James, hurting yourself like this...we're really worried and we've got your back. We're your friends,"_

_"and brothers! We care for you man. So if you ever need anything Logan and I are here for you, okay?" Carlos said putting an arm around Logan's shoulder. _

* * *

They're lying! I know they are!

No one gives a shit for me! My own parents didn't, so why would they!

* * *

"_No one cares about you James." My father said into my ear. He squeezed my head of hair and slammed me against the wall._

_I cried, "K-Kendall says he cares about me. He said we w-were best frien-Ughmff!" I fell, sliding down against the hard wall and collapsed onto my knees sobbing loudly. I could feel the pain ride up and down my back where my dad had planted his foot. I looked up through my tears at his blurry figure._

"_No one cares about you James. The only thing anyone feels for you is pity. They say they're friends with you, but only because they feel bad for you. They know you're a disgrace to our family, but they pity you because you're actually trying to make an effort to make us Diamonds look good." He leaned down and grabbed my hair to lift my head to his height. I whimpered loudly when he said in a deep voice, "You're no Diamond...you're a crappy piece of coal!" He dropped my head to the ground and laughed._

* * *

"Ugh!" I yelled lifting up my sleeves and grabbing a tight hold on the knife. I pressed the blade to an untouched area on my wrist and pressed the blade into my skin, dragging it slowly down the center of my arm. I stopped an inch before my elbow and watched the blood stream down my arm, dripping from my fingertips.

It's my blood.

My blood...

Mine.

_**The needle tears a hole**_

_****_

The old familiar sting

* * *

_"James, come on! You're hurt, deeply. Now let's fix things up so you can be happy again. Anything that falls apart can still be put back together. Remember our song? It's the only life you've got…" He looked at me smiling, "So you got to? James?"_

_"So you got a live it big time." I sang. We laughed and he stood up. He reached out his hand and I grasped it lifting me to my feet, and he pulled me close to him wrapping his arms around my waist. I snuggled my head into his chest and said, "I love you Kendall."_

_"I love you too." _

* * *

_**Try to kill it all away**_

_**  
But I remember everything**  
_

"No...no..." I blinked my eyes clearing my vision of tears, "No..no, no, no!" I brought the knife down to my other wrist, "Fucking go away!" I sunk the blade into my skin and carved line after line across my arm. "Stupid! I'm fucking stupid!" I cried staining my arms with gashes.

* * *

"_James..." Kendall said as he lifted my chin to gaze in my eyes, "I'm sorry. I believe you, I love you...I don't want you to leave me. Please don't leave me. Stay in this world for me if you can't for yourself. I want you to find a reason to live. I can already name so many for you. _

* * *

Kendall...is my dad wrong?

Can someone as wonderful as you really love me?

I love you...

I want to die for you, but you want me to live? Why would you want something as degrading as me to live in this world.

My tears were falling fast now, showering my arms, stinging the incisions.

I wonder if everyone cries before they die.

It makes sense...we all cry when we enter this world...it would make sense if we did when we leave.

I wonder why we don't smile...

_**What have I become?**_

_**  
My sweetest friend**_

* * *

_"You were given this life because you can handle it. Things may seem ugly now, but you can always turn the ugly into something beautiful, something as beautiful as you." Kendall said smiling._

* * *

I love Kendall's smile...

He's the true beauty.

* * *

_"It's not the end of the world, James...Everything will be okay in the end." Kendall whispered._

* * *

Kendall...I don't deserve you, and the world's not ending...

You'll eventually move on from me anyway, and so will everyone else.

Me not being here, it'd be better...for everyone.

I'm not really leaving.

I don't want to leave.

I want to stay here with you and everyone else.

"James!" A voice yelled.

_**Everyone I know**_

_**Goes away in the end**_

_**You could have it all**_

_**My empire of dirt**_

Pounding sounded against the door.

_**I will let you down**_

_**I will make you hurt**_

You're right Kendall.

It's not the end of the world.

_**I wear this crown of shit**_

_**Upon my liar's chair**_

_**Full of broken thoughts**_

_**I cannot repair**_

"James! Please open the door! James!"

_**Beneath the stains of time**_

_**The feelings disappear**_

_**You are someone else**_

_**I am still right here**_

The door burst open and Kendall appeared. I tears streaming down his face as he slammed his knees into the ground and wrapped his arms around me.

"No! James! Why did you do this again?" Kendall cried, "James? James?"

"You can turn the ugly into the beautiful." I whispered.

_**What have I become?**_

_**My sweetest friend**_

_**Everyone I know**_

_**Goes away in the end  
**_

"That's what I'm doing now. I'm turning the ugly into the beautiful." I said feeling more tears in my eyes.

_**You could have it all**_

_**My empire of dirt**_

_**I will let you down**_

_**I will make you hurt**_

"James your gorgeous! Don't be ending your life on me!" He cried stuffing his head into my chest, "I'm not letting you go!"

"You said everything will be okay in the end, and it will." I said smiling at him, "That's why I'm ending my life."

"Don't you fucking die on me!" He said.

_**If I could start again**_

_**A million miles away**_

_**I would keep myself**_

_**I would find a way **_

"This way. Things will really be okay in the end." I whispered.

"No! James!" He said caressing my cheek, "James?" He kissed my lips and I smiled.

"I love you Kendall..."

"Mom! Call 911!" I heard him yell, "Come on James! Don't die on me! Don't leave me!" He had tears streaming down his cheeks dripping on my lips. I licked them away, savoring the taste in my mouth.

I heard footsteps and voices fill the bathroom.

"James! Oh my fucking god! James!" Yelled Carlos, "Mrs. Knight! Get over here now! Call 911!"

"What's going on?" I heard Logan yell.

"James cut his wrists!" Carlos replied.

"Kendall..." I whispered, looking into his tear filled eyes, "Don't worry."

"James! Please don't leave me!" Kendall said.

"James stay with us! We want you here! We love you!" Logan said.

They're all...crying?

For me...?

"I called 911! They're on their- Oh god! James! James?" Mrs. Knight said leaning down beside me.

I smiled, water blurring my vision.

"I..."I started, "I...Everything's getting dark..."

"James! Oh, my God, James! Don't leave me! Please don't leave me! Please, James! James!"

"Kendall..."I said a loud.

"James? James?" He screamed.

"I want you to remember, everything will be okay in the end." I said.

"Not if you die on me! Stay awake! James?" He yelled.

I felt his tears drop onto my neck as I whispered, "I love you."

Everything's becoming so fuzzy...am I dying?

I can hear people calling my name...but it's getting softer...much softer...

Remember James...everything's okay in the end.

Because this way, no one will hurt.


	12. Chapter 11

A/N: Sorry I made you all wait so long, Mexico, vacation...you get it right? Well I worked on the two chapters I promised you and here is the first one. I'm going to be mean and make you all wait for the second one I wrote. Haha, besides I need to make sure it's perfect. :P

Text

"Talking"

_emphasis on words/flashbacks_

**Chapter 11: Pinky Swear**

I feel so...light, and free...yet still, tied down and heavy.

It's like I'm ready to move on, but I don't want to, or I want to and I'm not supposed to.

It confuses me.

No.

No, I know I'm wrong.

I know I was wrong.

Everything makes a lot more sense now that I'm gone.

I wonder if I can go back?

I need to. I can't leave everyone and everything like this.

God I'm such an idiot, why did I have to let my emotions get the best of me? If I had just came straight out with how I felt?

No...maybe this all happened for a reason. That's what I was told. Everything happens for a reason. So maybe me being gone is the best thing after all.

Then again, trying to go back might be the right thing.

Won't they be happier now that...no...they all look so sad...and I look terrible.

I looked at myself, wires all over me, stitches, bandages...I look like a mess!

I remember when the doctor gave everyone the news.

* * *

"_Doctor...what's going on? Is he going to be alright?" Mrs. Knight said with tears. Katie was sitting in the chair on Kendall's lap hugging him tightly, and in a deep sleep. Carlos and Logan were sitting with their heads in their hands, trying to ignore what was going on around them, and Kelly was trying her best not to cry, and Gustavo... he didn't talk the whole time, he sat there in silence with no expression on his face._

"_Well...he's lost a lot of blood, too much...and some of his wounds are infected greatly and have been treated...he's...well we're not positive but he might wake up soon. There's a great chance-" The doctor said. Kendall's head jerked up and he sat Katie down on the seat. _

"_What?" Kendall yelled. The doctor turned to look at Kendall who was storming up to him, "Wake up? You mean he's..." Everyone's attention was now focused on Kendall and the doctor._

_The doctor looked at Mrs. Knight, and then Kendall before saying, "Yes. Right now, James hasn't woken up, he's in some sort of coma, or an unconscious state, but "_

_Kendall's face froze in fear and he turned around and_

"_What?" Kendall yelled. He looked at everyone. He began to breathe in and out deeply before tears slowly showed up onto his cheeks-_

"_What..." He whispered to himself, "Coma...?"_

_Kendall ran his hands through his hair before screaming at the doctor, "He's in a fucking coma! He's in a fucking coma?" _

_The doctor said, "Please keep your voice-"_

"_He's in a coma?" Kendall yelled._

_The doctor said, "He-"_

_Kendall bit his lip and backed up and ran out of the door before the doctor could finish his sentence and Mrs. Knight walked over to Katie who's lip was quivering._

"_Mom...what's going on. Did...d-did James...is he dead?" She said tears pouring out of her eyes._

"_No shh...sweetie," Mrs. Knight said rubbing circles on Katie's back. Katie hugged her mom tighter, "He's sleeping right now, they just don't know...He just needs to wake up okay. We have to give him some time."Katie nodded her head and hugged her mom tighter, who was now silently crying into Katie's shoulder._

* * *

What did I do?

I really affect people this much? Kendall told me I was loved, I just chose not to believe him.

I'm an idiot! I'm a mother-fucking idiot!

Why didn't I see how much I affected people? Why couldn't I see what was in front of me the whole time?

Look what I'm throwing away...

I'm throwing away such great...people in my life...

I'm throwing away my life...

I looked at Kendall sitting in a chair next to my bed. My right hand was held in his, I couldn't feel it, but it was being held. I wish I could feel it...I really wish I could...his hands were always so...perfect in mine. I always hated letting his hand go...At least he's much calmer now then he was before. I'm just glad Carlos and Logan convinced him to stay by my side.

* * *

"_Kendall!" Carlos yelled as he ran to catch up with him, "Kendall! Wait up! Logan help me stop him!"_

"_Kendall!" Carlos and Logan yelled. Kendall slowed down to a stop before kneeling on the ground with his head in his hands. He began sobbing uncontrollably and tipped over onto the ground. Carlos and Logan ran to his side and lifted him up onto his feet._

"_Ssh, Kendall, calm down. Everything's going to be okay." Carlos said putting his hand on his shoulder, but Kendall slapped it away._

"_Shut the fuck up Carlos! You're not a fortune teller! You don't know! You don't know anything at all!" Kendall screamed, "Logan don't even say you know anything either! You don't know what's going to happen!" Carlos turned away shaking while Logan glared at Kendall._

_Logan," I do know some things though. For one, Screaming at us isn't going to help the situation at all. We're your friends who care about you and James, we're not someone you take out your anger on. Two, I know that you're focusing on the possibility that he might not wake up, but there's also a chance he will, and if you listened to the rest of what the doctor was saying before screaming and running out, he said there was a 99% he'll wake up. He also said that means there's a good chance that he will wake up tonight or tomorrow. He's progressing really well. The doctor also said that by soon he meant the longest we would have to wait would be 2 days. There's only a 1% chance he won't wake up right away...or at all."_

_Carlos looked at Kendall with tears in his eyes and said, "I may not be a fortune teller, but I know one thing for sure, James may have tried to leave everything behind now, but I know that he wants to come back, and he will...I just know it. He's fighting right now...and there's a great chance he will win. We just have to be patient."_

_Kendall looked up at his friends and took a deep breath before saying, "I'm sorry...for yelling at you guys...I'm just..."_

"_We know." Carlos said. _

"_Why don't you see if you can wait with James...sit by him, let him have someone to wake up to. If he wants anyone there the most, it's you." Logan said smiling. Kendall nodded his head._

"_I think I'll do that."He said as he began walking back to the waiting room._

* * *

I should wake up...right?

* * *

_"Sometimes the right thing to do, and the hardest thing to do are the same."_

* * *

I remember...that one time...

Kendall...I'm going home.

I want to go home.

* * *

"_Just do it!" I heard someone whisper, "Derek will be mad out you though. It's your life loser."_

_I was picking away at the grass beneath my legs, bored out of my mind._

"_Go loser!" I heard someone say. I then turned around to hear footsteps coming my way. I looked up to see a small blonde boy looking down at me._

"_Hi...I'm Kendall...I'm in third grade...you're James...right?" He said softly. I felt my eyes widen at our encounter. No one likes me or wants to be friends with me at all since I've transferred to this school. Apparently I was too girly and not cool enough to be anyone's friend here. Which doesn't make any sense. His friend Derek hates me, and now he wants to be friends with me? Kendall and Derek are the most loved and he's about to commit third grade suicide!_

"_Are you sure you're talking to the right person?" I asked. This has to be a joke._

"_Yea, why wouldn't I be?" Kendall asked._

_I gave him an eyebrow and said, "Derek is going to kill you."_

"_Yea, I know." He said bluntly._

"_Are you trying to be...friends with me?" I questioned._

_Kendall smiled, "Yea..."_

"_Derek is going to kill you." I said glaring._

"_You already said that." He said dropping his smile._

"_I know." I let out a small sigh._

"_So, you're James, no?" Kendall said sitting on the grass next to me._

"_Yes James is my name." I said laying down. I brought my eyes to the blue sky smiled. It was a beautiful day out. I suddenly heard a chuckling sound next to me and twisted my head toward it._

"_Why are you laughing at me?" I said frowning. He chuckled some more and I glared at him and turned around. That's all everyone ever does here..._

_I felt a tear escape my eye as I shoved my face into my knees._

_Everyone laughs at me...all the time..._

_Can't there be anyone who will just laugh...with me?_

"_Hey." I heard Kendall say. I ignored him and continued to frown in my lap. Besides, I can't let him see me crying. Then I'd be made fun of even more!_

"_Hey, what's the matter?" Kendall asked, "Did I do something?" I heard him walk around me and peeked up to see him in front of me. I immediately put my head back down when he saw me looking at him._

_Can't he just leave me alone?_

"_I'm sorry...for whatever I did...if I did anything." I heard Kendall say as he put his hand on my shoulder, "Did I make you cry?" _

_He's saying sorry?_

_I peeked up at him with wet eyes and asked, "Why did you laugh at me?" He let his head fall a bit to the side and sent me a questioning look._

"_What are you talking about?" He asked. _

_I frowned and said, "When I was laying down you were laughing at me. Why?"_

_He smiled at me and said, "Oh! Because you looked really cute smiling at the sky. You're facial expressions in general are priceless. I laugh because, you make me smile."_

_I widened my eyes a bit in shock. He's actually really nice. I let myself reveal a small smile._

"_So, can we be friends?" He asked, as I puckered my lips to the side. What about Derek?, "Don't worry about Derek," He added reading my mind, "He's not in charge of who my friends are." I nodded and laid back down on the grass and he laid right next to me. After ten minutes of recess went by, Kendall and I had come to the conclusion that clouds don't only look like cotton candy, they also look like ice cream, snow, whipped cream, marshmallows, and Fluffernutter._

"_Ow!" I yelled as I felt dirt sting my eyes. I sat up quickly and started rubbing my watery eyes trying to get rid of the dirt. My eyes began to hurt even more though so I just stopped and started blinking a lot until I could feel it running out of my eyes with my tears. I looked up to see Derek and some of his friends laughing at me. _

"_Hey, what's the big deal?" Kendall asked Derek. Derek shared a smirk with us as Kendall held out his hand to help me up._

"_What do you think?" Derek said, "Maybe it's because you're hanging out with that...he-she." I took Kendall's hand and hopped to my feet. _

_He-she? No...I'm a guy. Not a girl...and a guy. Just a guy!_

"_He's not a he-she! He's a guy," Kendall said, "and a nice one too! So just leave him a lone!"_

"_I am a guy..." I said. Derek stepped closer to us and grabbed the collar of my shirt._

"_Prove it." He said looking down. He's looking down at...no! Kendall grabbed me and pushed Derek._

"_Hey, don't treat my friend like that!" He yelled. Derek stepped closer to Kendall with an angry face._

_Derek yelled at Kendall, "I thought I was your friend."_

"_Yea," Kendall said, "You were."_

"_It's your life you're messing up!" Derek said as Kendall grabbed my hand and pulled me away._

"_No, you're messing up!" Kendall yelled back. _

_We walked until we reached the swings. I felt a little embarrassed when I realized we had held hands all the way to the swings, but I got over it quickly and sat down on my favorite of all the swings. The red one._

"_Why did you want to become friends with me?" I asked, "No one's going to like you anymore because you're friends with me."_

"_Well, I think it was the right thing to do." He said._

"_You only became friends with me because you thought it was the right thing to do?" I asked a little hurt._

"_No," He said, "I wanted to be friends with you from the start, but I didn't because I thought everyone would hate me because of hanging out with you. Then my mom told me: Sometimes the right thing to do, and the hardest thing to do are the same. So I thought it would be the right thing to do for you and for me, even though I'd be leaving some of my other friends."_

"_I'm sorry you had to leave them." I said._

_He shook his head and said, "No, actually, they left me. They're shunning you for the way you look, and aren't taking the chance to get to know you. If they're really my friends they'll except me and you. You shouldn't be treated the way you are because you look more feminine. Besides I think it's cute that you look prettier then most of the girls here." We both laughed...at his remark._

_Wait...both of us. Together. We laughed together!_

_I sent him a huge smile and laughed even more that tears were coming out._

"_Hey are you okay? Was that mean?" He said, "I'm sorry!"_

"_No!" I said laughing still, "Hold on! Ha, ha!" When I finally calmed down a bit I wiped the tears away and smiled at him._

"_Why were you crying. Did I make you sad?" He asked concerned._

"_No..no...I'm crying because I'm happy." I said, "That's the first time I've actually laughed with someone without someone laughing at me." Kendall gave me a sad look._

"_Hey, you know what?" He said. I gave him a questioning look._

"_What?"I asked._

"_I have a feeling we're going to be best friends, no matter what." He said smiling, "We'll grow up to be those friends that will stay together and die together, maybe even after that..." I grinned and held out my pinky._

"_Pinky swear?" I said, "Friends forever?" He held out his pinky and linked it with mine._

"_Pinky swear." He said, "Best friends forever."_

* * *

I want to go home...I'm not supposed to die without you, Kendall. I don't want you to die and I don't want to die. I want to go home....I want to go home!

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

This was a mistake!

I need to wake up!

Kendall's waiting for me! He's waiting for me...How long is he going to wait for me?

I looked over at Kendall who had hot tears streaming down his face. He took my hand and kissed it softly, "James, _how long_ are you going to make me wait?"


	13. Authors NotePREVIEW CHAPTER 12

**So, don't worry, I'm not quitting on this story AT ALL...EVER. I love it too much, but I'm not sure when I will be able to post a new chapter yet because there's been a lot of problems with family and friends, you know...DRAMA, and right now things are...dangerous. So until things calm down please be patient for me and wait.**

**I actually went back and started rewriting major parts of the chapter, so it's not actually done. I'm still making a lot of decisions with it.**

**The longest you'll have to wait would be a week...and a half? No, not even, and I'll try to get in the next chapter A.S.A.P! Oh, and sorry for leaving you with such a big cliffhanger... but for the next chapter I can give you a little summary..?...but like you know those things they show on the back of manga (if you read manga) like an idea of what's going to happen in the chapters...yea....**

**Well umm... hmm...**

***thinks of how to explain it while not giving a lot away***

**Okay, how bout something like this:**

James is positive he'll be waking up to Kendall soon, until something else arises and gets in his way. Meanwhile the others aren't holding up so well, especially Kendall, but they are trying their very best, until the boys realize they have some talking to do.

**Hmm...I'll be nice and give you a sneak preview too, here's a section of the story that will be used (I think this part is done, but don't be surprised if a few things are reworded):**

"Don't do this! Please don't fucking do this to me! Look what I've turned into! Do you want to mess everything up like I did?" I screamed, "What the hell are you thinking?" I ran up to Kendall to hug him and hold him back, but as I reached him I realized I caught nothing but air. My eyes widened with tears as I turned around to see him shaking with fear.

"You're only going to make things worse!" I whispered. I ran up to Kendall again and reached out my hand to him. I wanted to try and touch the boy I loved, but when my fingers reached his body, there was nothing there, they didn't touch him...I didn't feel him...he can't feel me, but I'm right here.

"I'm right here...." I whispered.

I brought my lips to his ear, "Kendall...I'm right here." Kendall looked at the bed where I lay silently.

"That's right Kendall," I said in his ear, "I'm right here with you. Do you want to do this...when I can see you...hear you...why do you want to do this to me? Why do you want to do this to yourself?" I felt tears stray down my cheeks as Kendall walked over to my bed.

"James...can you hear me?" He said crying.

Yes.

"James, can you hear me?" He asked louder.

"Yes! Yes, I can hear you." I said walking closer to him.

"James! Can you fucking hear me? Please...hear me!" He yelled, crying violently.

"Yes, I can hear you, Kendall! Now why can't you hear me?" I yelled. He pressed his hand against my chest and kneeled down leaning his head against the bed.

"I can feel your heart beating..." He whispered.

"Kendall!" I said running to him. Kendall stood up, leaning over my body, and cupped my face with his hands.

"I have to do it James..." He whispered.

"Kendall!" I yelled running up to him.

"I have to do it." He said. I grabbed my head with my hands, tears jumping off my face as I screamed, "Kendall!" Everything stopped and became silent and Kendall's head slowly turned to face me. He was looking at me.

Kendall was looking at me. He can see me? I took a step forward as he walked towards me.

"Kendall?" I asked. The next thing I knew he was walking through me towards the wall.

No, he doesn't see me, he sees through me...

Kendall rammed his back on the wall and slid down, tearing up again.

"James...I got to do it! I need to do it!"

"Kendall no!" I yelled, but he stood up and looked out the window next to him, "Kendall! Please!"

Kendall took a deep breath and pressed his forehead against the glass, his breath slowly fogging it up. I collapsed onto my knees and cried out, "KENDALL!" He whipped his body around and looked at the bed, his eyes wide, and his face in shock.

Can he hear me?

He then shook his head and looked back out the window. He slowly opened the window and let the breeze fly through his hair.

"I wonder what it feels like..." He cried silently.

"Stop!" I yelled, and I stood up and reached my hand out to him screaming, "STOP!"

Kendall spun himself around and walked slowly over to the bed. I took a few steps back to survey the scene as he reached out his hand to my body. He took my limp hand and held it to his heart. I shivered when I felt a vibration running through me.

That's...that's his heart.

I can feel his heart. I smiled through my tears as he said a loud, "James..." His tears dropped onto my hand and slid down my arm, "I can hear you."


	14. Chapter 12

**A/N: Hey everyone! I apologize for taking so long. I know whatever excuses I give you will not make up for it, but I'm going to posting chapters more frequently again, like I used to. I promise -A PROMISE I WILL KEEP! Like, I promise to keep that promise :))**

**Now, This isn't a very long chapter, but I wanted to post this before you all thought I like...dissapeared and died, but other than that, please enjoy the chapter!**

**Chapter 12: I Can Hear You, Now, Listen To Me...**

It's already been a day.

One day of sadness.

One day of fear.

One day of hope.

One day of tears.

One day of waiting….

One day...

One…and it feels like it's been longer, much longer.

Everyone has stayed either in the waiting room or my hospital bedroom over the past night. Everyone did their best to stay awake, but that didn't happen. They all eventually fell asleep from one time to another. Katie at one point woke up crying and Mrs. Knight shushed her until she fell back asleep again.

Gustavo had remained awake for a good portion of time. His expression was blank, filled with absolutely no emotion. You couldn't tell what he was feeling or thinking. He just blended himself into the background, his elbows digging into his legs as he supported his head on his hands. He wouldn't talk to anyone, and not many would talk to him either, unless they wanted a grunt or complete silence. Even when Kelly was doing his catering, he wouldn't even make eye contact. Gustavo had closed people off around him, and in return, they did the same.

Carlos tried to make light of the situation of course, using his smile and charm. He got a few people to start thinking more positive. Logan, as well, did his best to make everything Carlos said, seem to be more logical and less fiction than fact. Together they worked pretty well with everyone, but eventually, Carlos couldn't smile anymore, and Logan couldn't find any logic he wanted to hear in anything. Once their spirit was dead, so was everyone's else.

Out of all of them, Kendall was the worst. He surprised me big time with his actions. I still don't know exactly what's going down with him. I see him on the outside, but inside…I'm not sure anymore…

I did promise myself I would be back in his arms as soon as possible. He needs the most comfort right now; he's the one that's been helping me…now, I'm only bringing him down. I need to wake up and make everything up to him! I need to make things right…but I can't if I don't wake up.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Knight?" The doctor said softly as he tapped the shoulder of Kendall's sleeping mom. She shot her eyes open as soon as she heard her name.

"Yes, what's going on? Any updates, anything new?" Mrs. Knight asked pleadingly. The doctor sighed and looked down at his clipboard and then back to Mrs. Knight.

"Well, we've been monitoring James, and he was expected to wake up today." He said before looking back down at his clipboard.

"So he hasn't woken up yet?" Mrs. Knight asked.

"No, but that's the problem." The doctor said. He looked Mrs. Knight straight in the eye and said sternly, "At this point, since James hasn't woken up, we don't know when he will." As Mrs. Knight heard his last words, she began to tear up.

"But you said it might be more then one day!" Mrs. Knight said with hope.

The doctor sighed and said, "Yes, but he was doing so well he should have been up by now."

Mrs. Knight's eyes widened and she began to cry more as she asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, his wounds are greatly infected, so that might be a factor to him not waking up. Honestly, we really don't know why he's still asleep, because they're not _severely _infected. We are treating his wounds right now and they should be better soon. We will update you on everything that happens as it happens." The doctor said.

Mrs. Knight nodded her head at the doctor and thanked him before he took one last look at his clipboard and left the room.

Why aren't I waking up?

"Kendall! Where are you going?" Mrs. Knight asked as Kendall began walking away from the waiting room. Kendall ignored her and kept walking until he was out the door. He walked through the bright white hallway until he came upon the Men's bathroom.

Why do I have a bad feeling about this…?

I followed Kendall into the bathroom, watching him sink to his knees on the tiled floor.

Kendall…?

"FUCK!" Kendall yelled, slamming his clenched fists onto the white painted wall, "God fucking damn it, James! Why...?" He began sobbing hard and leaned his back against the wall, his head facing the ceiling as tears poured down, "Why? Why…?"

Kendall…I'm sorry…

I felt tears pour down my face as I watched him bite his shirt to keep from screaming and crying too loudly.

He's out of control...

Is this...my punishment? Is this what I get for being an idiot? I have to watch the people closest to me in pain?

I swiped my hands across my eyes to get rid of my tears.

I don't want this…I just want to wake up. I want to wake up to everyone and apologize, tell them I'm sorry and I did the wrong thing. I want to tell them how much I love them. I want the warmth our family used to have back in my heart…I need to wake up and make things right again...but that feeling, that beautiful feeling I've always felt surrounding me when I'm with them, it's almost become a memory now. I need to find it again, and share it with everyone. I need to remind them it's still here.

It's still here.

I hope.

Kendall stood up, wiping his tears away, and walked to the mirror. He bit his lip trying not to cry, trying his best to put on a fake smile, or at least a face that read: I'm fine.

"Smile Kendall..." He said to himself trying to lift the edges of his mouth up, "C-come on Kendall. Smile." Kendall bit his lip harder, trying to suppress a cry, while still fighting to bring back up his facade. He let his bitten lips loose resulting in a release of small whimpers. He let out a big gasp as his face fell, tears rolling down his cheeks. He panicked and slapped his hands onto his mouth as he backed up against the wall and slid down. His body shook violently as he tried to suppress the intensity of the state he was in.

"Kendall!"

That's Carlos's voice!

Kendall froze, his eyes widening as he tried to make the best mask he could.

"Kendall! Where are you?" Carlos called as he swiveled his body to face the sniffling he heard. Carlos's eyes softened as he saw Kendall curled up against the wall facing away from him. Kendall's body was still visibly shaking as Carlos began to walk towards him.

Carlos gently spoke, "Hey, Kendall...", he swallowed as he continued slowly walking towards the troubled boy, "Hey man, look at me..."

Kendall remained silent and ignored Carlos's words of sympathy, eventually brewing silence in Carlos until they both fell to the quiet. They sat there for awhile, wordless, but there was still much tension in the air. They just chose to ignore it. Verbally.

Carlos shifted his legs a little to the right while slowly stretching them out to their full potential. He let out a small breath of relief and turned his attention towards Kendall.

"Kendall, you need to talk to me. Please...don't worry me like this..." Carlos whispered. He extended his arm out to the blonde boy's shoulder as Kendall slowly turned his head to face Carlos. His eyes were still a little red, but besides that, his face revealed nothing. That's the look he'd been trying to work up for awhile. Goal successful?

"No..." Carlos said as his eyes narrowed, "Don't give me that shit!" Kendall shifted back a little as Carlos gave him a scary look filled with pain and disappointment.

"What?" Kendall said bluntly.

"I said, don't give me that shit." Carlos spat, "I know what you're doing."

Kendall glared at the angry boy as he questioned, "What am I doing?"

Carlos said, "You're being a hypocrite..."

"I'm not going to take this 'shit' from you, okay?" Kendall shouted as he quickly stood up racing to the bathroom entrance. Carlos followed the blonde as he stormed out the door and towards the waiting room.

"Kendall! Will you listen to me?" Carlos said as he jogged his way over to him.

"Kendall! Carlos! There you guys are, I was getting worried. Are you two alright?" Said Mrs. Knight walking towards them. Kendall pulled up a small smile and nodded and looked at Carlos.

"No. I'm actually not doing well." Carlos said sharply as he sent a glare at Kendall.

Kendall narrowed his eyebrows at the boy and muttered, "Carlos...shut up-"

"Don't tell me what to do man!" Carlos yelled.

Kendall took a step towards Carlos and yelled, "Well look who's talking! Mr. 'Don't be a hypocrite'!"

Mrs. Knight placed her hands on her hips and said, "Boys! Lower your voices! We're in a hospital in case you two didn't notice."

"Trust me Mom, I think we all have noticed something like that by now. It's the fact that we're not supposed to be here in the first place! Cause...fucking-"

Kendall covered his ears and screamed, tears falling, one after another. He looked at both Mrs. Knight and Carlos and began walking towards my room.

Wait...my room?

Kendall...

The door opened to my room to reveal a sleep-deprived, blond haired boy, panting and crying after shoving his way through many angry doctors and nurses just to get to his boyfriend.

He began to walk towards my bed, as if he hasn't approached it within a long time. It makes me feel...dead. Ancient. Somehow, distant. In a way, I guess you can say I am pretty distant from everyone. No, scratch that, I am, for sure, distant right now from everyone. My body's laying here...without me. Without me in it. This is so confusing. I don't like this!

"Hey, James... How've you been?" Kendall said as he reached his hand out towards me. Before he could touch my head of hair he snatched his hand back and looked down, "I'm sorry James. That was a stupid question. I'm...I'm just so confused. James...why did you do what you did. Damn, I sound as if you did something unthinkable...forbidden...well...you did just try to kill yourself-god damn it! James! I want to know...I want to know what you were feeling. What you might still be feeling? You scare me! If maybe...I could see...or experience...how you felt...feel? Would that make sense? Would you hate me?" Kendall slowly walked backwards away from my resting spot and swiveled around to look at the tiled floor.

What do you mean Kendall...?

Kendall reached slowly into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it up and shuffled through some dollars until he stopped and bit his lip.

"Did you ever think this was beautiful, James? Because for some reason...I think it is." Kendall whispered.

"What' s beautiful?" I asked aloud, "Tell me Kendall..."

"It's sick," Kendall said as he turned to face me, "but right now it makes sense. I don't want you to watch me... because I know you wouldn't want to feel what I felt when I watched you." He turned back around and fell silent as he pulled something out of his wallet.

Kendall...

"What are you doing?" I asked, "Kendall?"

A small clink could be heard as the silver blade collided with the tile floor.

Kendall...

"God damn it! I can't even do it!" He yelled as he picked up the blade from the ground and shoved his wallet into his pants pocket.

No! Kendall! NO!

He looked at it intently and brought it to his wrist.

"Don't do this! Please don't fucking do this to me! Look what I've turned into! Do you want to mess everything up like I did?" I screamed, "What the hell are you thinking?" I ran up to Kendall to hug him and hold him back, but as I reached him I realized I caught nothing but air. My eyes widened with tears as I turned around to see him shaking with fear. His eyes were squinted shut and the blade was touching his wrist. He only needed to press a little more...

"You're only going to make things worse!" I whispered. I ran up to Kendall again and reached out my hand to him. I wanted to try and touch the boy I loved, but when my fingers reached his body, there was nothing there, they didn't touch him...I didn't feel him...he can't feel me, but I'm right here.

"I'm right here..." I whispered.

I brought my lips to his ear, "Kendall...I'm right here." Kendall looked at the bed where I lay silently.

"That's right Kendall," I said in his ear, "I'm right here with you. Do you want to do this...when I can see you...hear you...why do you want to do this to me? Why do you want to do this to yourself?" I felt tears stray down my cheeks as Kendall walked over to my bed, dropping the blade on the ground.

"James...can you hear me?" He said crying.

Yes.

"James, can you hear me?" He asked louder.

"Yes! Yes, I can hear you." I said walking closer to him.

"James! Can you fucking hear me? Please...hear me!" He yelled, crying violently.

"Yes, I can hear you, Kendall! Now why can't you hear me?" I yelled. He pressed his hand against my chest and kneeled down leaning his head against the bed.

"I can feel your heart beating..." He whispered.

"Kendall!" I said running to him. Kendall stood up, leaning over my body, and cupped my face with his hands.

"I have to do it James..." He whispered.

"Kendall!" I yelled running up to him.

"I have to do it." He said. I grabbed my head with my hands, tears jumping off my face as I screamed, "Kendall!" Everything stopped and became silent and Kendall's head slowly turned to face me. He was looking at me.

Kendall was looking at me. He can see me? I took a step forward as he walked towards me.

"Kendall?" I asked. The next thing I knew he was walking through me towards the wall.

No, he doesn't see me, he sees through me...

Kendall rammed his back on the wall and slid down, tearing up again.

"James...I got to do it! I need to do it!"

"Kendall no!" I yelled, but he stood up and looked out the window next to him, "Kendall! Please!"

Kendall took a deep breath and pressed his forehead against the glass, his breath slowly fogging it up. I collapsed onto my knees and cried out, "KENDALL!" He whipped his body around and looked at the bed, his eyes wide, and his face in shock.

Can he hear me?

He then shook his head and looked back out the window. He slowly opened the window and let the breeze fly through his hair.

"I wonder what it feels like..." He cried silently as he looked back at the razor on the ground. He picked it back up and stared it down in his hand.

"STOP!" I yelled.

Kendall squeezed his fingers around the blade before throwing it out the window.

Kendall...

He spun himself around and walked slowly over to the bed. I took a few steps back to survey the scene as he reached out his hand to my body. He took my limp hand and held it to his heart. I shivered when I felt a vibration running through me.

Is that his heart?

That is isn't it?

...that's his heart.

I can feel his heart. I smiled through my tears as he said a loud, "James..." His tears dropped onto my hand and slid down my arm, "I can hear you."

Finally...

Someone knows...

Someone knows that' I'm not giving up.

"James, remember, I will always be here for you no matter what. I'm here right now aren't I? And, I can hear you, I can feel you, I...James..." Kendall said softly.

He leaned his lips down to my ear and whispered, "Now, listen to me."

He centered his lips above mine.

The door flew open as Carlos and Logan walked into the room, and Kendall turned around disappointed.

"Kendall, Mrs. Knight says we all need to talk...right now." Logan said.

I replied back in a harsh tone, "About what?"

"About James." Carlos said.


	15. Chapter 13

Author's Note: Okay, new chapter. I really like this one actually... It's not the longest...and it may be confusing. But it has a purpose!

_**P.S.!The flashbacks will be from Kendall's point of view.**_

**Chapter 13: They were _never_ accidents.**

"Kendall, you knew about this?"

I didn't think anything through, I rarely did any of that. So, this happening all of sudden scared me. Honestly, I love when people talk about me, that's because I always thought it was good. At the moment I was not excited for this talk.

Even though my parents thought lowly of me, they always said positive things. This is Mrs. Knight. She feel like the mother I've never had. I hold her to my heart dearly, but now...what does she think of me? What do any of them think of me?

Gustavo already hates me... What's a feeling below hate? Because that's what he probably feels for me right now.

And Katie...Katie must be so confused. She has no idea what's going on.

What are they going to say about me?

Ugh, there's too many rushing thoughts!

Fuck, I'm scared...

"Kendall?" Mrs. Knight repeated. Kendall continued to ignore his mother as he sat upon the plastic hospital chair next to my bed. Mrs. Knight had gathered him, Carlos, Logan, and Gustavo to talk about what would happen when I woke up.

When _will I_ wake up?

Logan was tapping his foot on the floor softly as he nervously looked over at Kendall.

"Kendall, you can't ignore us forever." Carlos said.

"Yes...I did know." Kendall spoke.

"Do you know how long he's been doing this?" Mrs. Knight asked.

Kendall looked up and said, "Sort of."

"Care to elaborate?" asked Carlos.

Kendall looked down, "Well...in seventh grade..."

* * *

_"Hey, James!" I said running towards him, "Wait up!"_

_"Hurry up!" James yelled, "The bell's gonna ring in like, a minute."_

_"I'm hurrying! I'm hurrying!" I replied._

_We ran down the hallway and into the classroom just as the bell rang. As we sat down the teacher started her introduction on a new lesson._

_"Alright, today we're going to cook up a stir fry..."_

_"Ugh...vegetables...why can't we ever work with sweets?" I said looking at James, but he was staring intently at the teacher. "Uh..James?"_

_"Huh?" He said snapping out of his trance, "What?"_

_"Are you okay?" I asked. He raised one eyebrow and crossed his arms._

_"Yes, I am." He said, and then leaned back in the chair and continued to watch the teacher with her demo._

_"Now, remember, when you cut the vegetables, you have to make sure that your hand is position the right way when holding the knife, and your fingers aren't in the way..."_

_A few minutes later she put us in groups and we went to our stations to begin._

_"Okay, Carlos, you take out the ingredients and James, you take out the appliances we need. I'll-"_

_"Wait! Can I go to the bathroom first?" Carlos pleaded._

_"Ugh, sure. I'll get the ingredients out." Logan said as he began looking through the cabinets. Carlos ran right by me as I did my job at my station._

_I looked over to see how James was doing and saw he was looking through the drawers to get all the appliances out. I watched James cringe as he opened the drawer to where all the knives were held. He looked around, biting his lip and began taking out the knives needed to cut the vegetables. As he pulled out the second knife he looked around again and I quickly turned away and looked down at the recipe the teacher gave us. A second later I looked back up to see the knife James was holding sliding across the top of his arm. My eyes widened as he dropped the knife on the the counter and yelled, "Ouch!" Everyone turned to look at what happened and began gasping. Logan turned around from the refrigerator and grabbed some paper towels as he saw James's arm. _

_"James! Quickly press the paper towel onto your wound! It'll help stop the bleeding." Logan said as he handed James the paper towel._

_I started walking over to James as the teacher ran over and asked, "James! What happened?"_

_"The..the knife s-slipped from my hand. I'm s-sorry." James stuttered with his eyes tearing up. Logan picked grabbed the roll of paper towel and brought it over to James as soon as he saw that James had bled through the ones he just got._

_"It's okay, accidents happen. Will someone take him to the nurse?" The teacher asked._

_"I will!" I yelled as soon as I heard the question._

_"Okay! Go! Go!" She said._

_I grabbed the paper towel roll and dragged James by his good arm out the door and began walking to the nurse._

_"James, how you doing?" I asked as I looked at him sadly. I could tell he was trying his best not to cry as he pursed his lips together and continued to look down._

_"I'm f-fine." He murmured and began to walk faster. I couldn't help but play the scenario the happened again and again in my mind. It really didn't look like an accident. Even though no one else saw, I swear he did that on purpose. The way he was looking at the knives, and looking around scared...no... I don't think he would do that. Besides, I only looked up right when the knife was sliding across his arm. It was probably an accident._

_"Okay. If you need anything just ask." I said smiling at him. He gave me a small grin as we continued walking to the nurse._

_

* * *

_

"Well, now that I look back on this...maybe that wasn't an accident after all..." Kendall said softly, "So, he might have been doing it since than.."

I remember that... damn...I can't believe he remembers that too...

Yea, you're right Kendall...

That wasn't an accident.

I wonder if he remembers that time at his house...

"Oh, there was one time when he slept over freshman year..." Kendall said.

Shit...

* * *

_"James! Are you almost done in the bathroom?" I asked knocking on the door._

_"Yeah, sorry...Almost done." He said as he heard him drop something and turn on the sink._

_"Dude, what are you doing?" I asked standing outside the door with a puzzled face. _

_"N-nothing! Hold on!" He said loudly as he dropped something again._

_"Dude, I'm coming in." I said._

_"N-no! Don't!" He said as I opened the door._

_"What the...?" I said as I saw James slip a sweater over his tan back._

_He turned around smiling sheepishly at me and said, "Sorry..." He then walked out of the bathroom and into my room._

_I scratched my head and looked around the bathroom for signs of what he was doing. I looked at the sink to find a tiny red spot on the drain. I turned on the sinks water and watched the red fade away._

_Maybe it was toothpaste? He was probably using my red toothpaste._

_I slowly turned around to face the door and spotted some red again. I kneeled down to get a closer look and realized, that the red before was probably not my toothpaste. _

_This looks like blood...was James bleeding or something?_

_"J-James?" I called loudly. I heard footsteps slowly walk towards the bathroom._

_"W-what?" He asked as he avoided my gaze._

_"Were you bleeding or something?" I asked giving him a quizzical look. He gave me a 'what are you talking about look' as I pointed to a red spot on the floor._

_"Oh, I'm sorry. I was using your toothpaste. I must've gotten some on the floor! Here, let me clean that up." He said as he grabbed some toilet paper and wet it. He pushed me aside and cleaned it up fast, rubbing it hard. He than threw it away and smiled saying, "Sorry, I'll try not to make a mess again." With that being said, he zoomed out of the bathroom before I could pester him with more questions._

_ I looked around the bathroom once more and closed the door. I walked to the shower and slid the curtain open, revealing a a plain white bathtub and soaps lined up in the corners. I turned the knob slowly, water leaking faster as I turned it until it reached the 'hot' setting. I took off my shirt as I remembered I needed a towel. __ I walked back over to the shower and turned the water off, so I wouldn't waste it and spotted in the corner a razor._

_What the hell is my Mom's razor doing in here?_

_I let out a loud sigh and walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. I found my Mom sitting at the table clipping out coupons._

_"Mom, can you like, not take a shower in my bathroom? I really don't want it littered with girly stuff." I said harshly._

_"What are you talking about?" She said giving me a puzzled look._

_I handed her the razor and said, "I found this in my shower."_

_She raised her eyebrows and laughed, "What? Why...I can promise you, that I didn't take a shower in there. It's your personal space, but thanks for handing me back my razor. Maybe Katie was in there? Wanted to try shaving her legs for the first time?"_

_"What are you talking about? I learned that when I was 8." Katie said as she walked into the kitchen. _

_"Oh...well than, I have no idea-wait what? Why didn't you tell me Katie?" My mother said sternly as she turned around giving Katie a serious look._

_"You know what? Whatever. I don't care. I really don't want to get involved in a girls hygiene. By." I said with a disgusted look. I turned away and walked into my room to find James already asleep in my bed._

_He couldn't have taken it...why would he need it? To shave, but using my Mom's? No way...whatever. I'm going to sleep._

* * *

"That could've been James..." Kendall said, "He did pull on a sweater before running out of the bathroom, maybe to cover his cuts if he cut his arms? In fact, he started wearing sweaters for a few long periods of time after that."

Bingo, Kendall. Bingo.

Well, now they notice...

"He also randomly got hurt all the time. He'd have a scratch now and then, he'd blame it on sports. He'd also get hurt a lot in hockey! And sometimes it looked on purpose! Damn it! None of these were accidents!" Kendall yelled. He put his head in his hands and cried, "How could I not have noticed! I've been his best friend forever and he... all those times he's been hurting himself... Shit. Shit. Shit!"

Now you realize Kendall?

Everyone watched Kendall as he stood up and walked over to the door. Before he made his way out he turned to everyone and said, "None of the times...Nothing he did...was ever an accident." He than walked out of the room and slammed the door shut.

That's right Kendall.

Half of those hockey wounds.

On purpose.

I used that kitchen knife in culinary class.

On purpose.

I was so desperate I used your Mom's razor that one time.

On purpose.

That time when I had all those cuts on my legs.

I said it was from trying out skateboarding.

No.

It was on purpose.

On purpose.

They were

never

accidents.


	16. Chapter 14

**A/N: Sorry for posting so late! Since I'm back from vacation and drama, things WILL be posted more frequently. Friday I'm not doing much so I should be able to finish the next chapter and post it that day! I personally don't think this is my best writing, but I can always fix it up another time. The next chapter should be more interesting. Please comment! Oh, and constructive critisicm, no flaming, please! ^.^**

**Chapter 14: Falling**

"I saw this! I saw this coming and I didn't stop it!"Carlos sobbed as he buried his head into Logan's shirt.

"Carlos...calm down. It's okay!" Logan said holding Carlos.

What the heck is going on?

"Just leave me alone!" Kendall shouted from the bathroom stall.

"Why should we leave you alone! You...idiot! Do you know how much worse you just made this situation?" Carlos yelled as he slammed his hands on the stall Kendall occupied. Kendall grabbed his head and bit his lip as he blocked Carlos from intruding his stall with one hand.

Logan grabbed Carlos's hand and pulled him away from the stall , "Carlos, saying that will not make anything better."

"Seriously!" Kendall yelled. Trying to cover his shaky voice he began to breath deeply and close his eyes, "Carlos...just leave me alone."

"Kendall! We're not going anywhere. Step out of that stall." Logan said sternly. Carlos dropped to the ground and slid underneath the stall.

"God fucking damn it Carlos! Get out!" Kendall shouted kicking the Latino boy. Carlos grabbed Kendall's leg and pulled on it making Kendall slip and fall. Kendall landed on top of Carlos and rolled off and out of the stall. Before he could escape Logan pushed Kendall back onto the ground and sat on his hips. Carlos slid out of the stall and locked Kendall's arms to the floor. Kendall shook his body trying to release himself from the clutch of his friends but inevitably failed. Kendall let out small breaths in a fast rythm as Carlos's watery eyes watched Logan slowly pull down Kendall's sleeves.

No, no, no, God no!

Kendall!

I ran over to his side, dropping my knees to the ground as I felt liquid run over my eyes.

"What the hell made you think this would be okay?" Carlos shakily yelled, "You made everything so much worse! You completely ruined everything!"

"Oh my God! You are so lucky these aren't very deep! Carlos, Get me some papertowel!"

Kendall pushed Logan and Carlos off as he raised his voice, "Made everything worse? Ruin everything?" Kendall stood up dusting off his pants and yelled, "How could I ruin anything when everything is already screwed up? Gustavo hasn't said a word and Kelly is acting like nothing bad happened. You Carlos, have just been yelling at me about every little thing, and half the time I don't even know what you're talking about! Logan, you've just been silent and are trying to make everything seem okay and be all logical and doctor-ish, but you're not a doctor Logan! You know as well as I know that nobody knows what's going on! You're just as clueless as everyone else okay? And Katie! Katie has no idea what the hell is going on! She's confused and scared and I can't be there for her because I don't know how to handle anything myself. I haven't made anything worse! Everything is already fucked up! So don't tell me that I made everything worse!" Kendall's tightened fists fell loose as he collapsed on the ground in tears. Carlos and Logan stood their ground watching the blond boy hide his head between his knees as he silently sobbed.

Kendall... if I knew you would hurt yourself over me...

I can't decide what's better for you...for everyone.

Is it being with you, or not being with you?

Carlos began to make his way over to Kendall, until Logan grabbed his arm and whispered, "Carlos, what are you..."

"Logan, I know what I'm doing. Just...go help out everyone else. Okay?" Carlos replied. They studied each others eyes for a moment until Logan broke the contact and angrily walked away. Carlos shook head and walked over to Kendall, sitting on the empty space next to him. Kendall ignored the other boy as he studied the tiled floor beneath him.

Carlos watched the blood drip from Kendall's wrists while scratching at his own. He swallowed before speaking aloud, "What'd you use?"

Kendall...please speak...God damn it Kendall!

Carlos sighed and lifted his knees up too his chest before giving him another question, "Fine, why'd you do it?"

Kendall shot Carlos a teary-eyed look and snarled, "Why do you even care? You don't even know what I'm going through!"

Carlos growled, "Why do I care? Kendall, out of the whole entire group, I've always counted on you and knew you would bring us together and make everything better! Now-I don't know what to do! Especially because I do know what you're going through!

"No you don't!"

No...I don't think you do Carlos...

"Yes! I do." Carlos shouted. Kendall's look softened as Carlos continued, "I know how you... and James feel, or at least have an idea, because I'm a master at putting up facades, getting away with things. I'm always happy, right? That's what it's always looked like. No. It's acting. All acting. I would appear happy to make everyone else feel better or something, but it's just not how things work. We have to stay positive. Cutting doesn't help, we..."

"...I cut myself so I could find out how James felt." Kendall interrupted. Carlos stared at Kendall wide-eyed with amazement.

"What?" Carlos muttered.

Kendall gulped and whispered, "I wanted to know why he did it, what it did for him. I couldn't make him happy enough, I couldn't help, but this did. I wanted to know where he stood and where I did. I wanted to be in his shoes, feel what he is feeling." The blond boy rubbed his wrists, water dripping from his chin as he continued, "It...It's so awful! Knowing this feeling he's dealt with. Wanting it, needing it. You do it, it feels like...the only thing that can help you and you don't understand! After you just feel like an idiot until you want it again and you don't know why. You DON'T KNOW WHY! I hate this! It confuses me! I just can't imagine what he's been through, how he handled this mess. How he even came up with it! I... I hate that he feels this way. I'm scared, Carlos! I'm so scared!"

As Kendall finished his exclamation, he buried his head in his hands and sobbed violently. Carlos placed his arm around Kendall and pulled him close to his chest.

The feelings I have are strong, and they mess with my reasoning, but now I know what's best...what's right and wrong...

What I need and what I want.

What he wants.

What we want.

I know by making this choice, that everything will be okay.

We will have it.

A feeling stronger than the ones that bring us down.

The one that will keep everyone going, everyone and everything...

Love.

"Kendall! Carlos! Get out here, now!" Logan called as he barged through the bathroom door.

I walked slowly over to Kendall and kissed him on the cheek before everything began to dissolve into black.

What's going on? Am I dying?

I don't want to die!

I began to survey the dark around me, assurring me there was no light in sight. I began to take small footsteps backwards, turning myself the other way.

I blinked a few times trying to adjust to a new lighting as I saw a white object forming in dark mist. I squinted my eyes, forwarding towards the object to find it was a simple white door. There was nothing around it, only the door. I pressed my hand against the painted wood and felt strong vibrations ringing through me. I slowly laid myself against it, hearing voices on the otherside.

It sounds like Kendall. I can't hear what's being said but I know that Kendall is there, speaking to someone. His sound is playing in my ears, his sound. I know it's him.

I want him.

I want to be with him!

I grasped the door handle, pulling it down and pushing it outwards. The door swung open, pulling me with it, flinging me across a black space. I felt wind rush past me as I was falling into the darkness, oxygen dissappearing as I continued the journey through the blackness. My eyes began to slowly close themselves, my body stopping all of its functions, and then... I stopped falling.


	17. Chapter 15

**A/N: Hihi everyone, I'm finally back :P I was on Hiatus for everything, but I finally am catching back up. I'm starting a bit small and working my way up on this story. So it's a short chapter, but I hope you all enjoy it.**

**The next chapter gets intense XD **

**Let's just say, not only James has a secret O: OMG**

**Chapter 15: Our Eyes Open**

I feel something wet land on my cheek as a blur of blond hair stirs into my vision.

Kendall?

"Oh my god...Oh my god!" I hear a voice repeat rapidly, "James...James."

My vision becomes clear as I see Kendall's smiling face covered with tears, hovering above me.

"Guys, he's awake!" Kendall yells.

Everyone crowds around me as I send everyone a soft sleepy smile.

"Excuse us, you'll have to go, we need to check up on James now that he's awake." A doctor says as a few nurses follow him in the room.

"We'll be back James, I promise!" Carlos says.

"Hey, would I be able to watch?" Asks Logan, "I kind of want to become a doctor one day and-"

"Sorry sweetie, you have to leave." Says a nurse as she sterilizes a needle.

"But I-"

"No." Says the Doctor.

"But-"

"Can you please get your friend out of here before I numb his face so he can't talk?" The doctor says glaring at Logan. Carlos immediately grabs his friend and mutters a "sorry" before exiting the room.

* * *

They hugged as if they haven't seen each other in years.

Neither one wanted to let go, they just felt too much comfort in the embrace.

"James...My gosh, James."

"Kendall...I-I...I'm so fucking sorry, Kendall I'm sorry. I can't believe I...I just...I...I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" I cried into his shoulder.

"James, ssshhh, shush sweetie. James, it's okay. You're fine now. You're safe, you're alive, and I still love you so much. We all do." Kendall said reassuringly.

I looked into his eyes as he rubbed my tears away. He kissed my forehead and smiled.

"Everything's okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end."

"I'm not okay. It's still not okay." I cried.

Kendall tilted his head, "It will be, one day it will be."

"But, Kendall, I don't want it to be okay." I said.

Kendall's eyes darkened a bit before speaking, "What?"

"I said, I don't want it to be okay."

I looked down as he said sharply, "What do you mean? You want to do this to yourself? Still?"

"No, well yes, I mean...What I mean is, if things are okay, you say it will be the end. I don't want the end. I still want all this, I want us, I want our family. I want...problems. I realize that now..."

Silence.

"K-Kendall?"

"James, I'm not sure I understand what you mean.."

I took a deep breath and said, " I mean, I don't think you fully understand what you're saying. I think I didn't understand it either until...now. _Everything's okay in the end, if it's not okay, It's not the end. _It's referring to everything that makes up life. If everything was okay, then it would be the end. So if everything is not okay... the story still lives. There can't not be a problem ever, and there's never only one our whole life. This is one problem out of a million, but it makes a story, it makes a huge impact in the story. My story...your story...you see? This is a big issue...that I have, the cutting, the depression, it'll take time to heal, lots of time, maybe my whole life...but it still...it did good things. It brought me closer to you. Unfortunately it was this way, but it still was something that gave me you. Without problems, we don't have solutions. Things come to an end, but just as some things come to an end, something else begins."

Kendall look dumbfounded for a moment, than looked up at James with a soft smile.

"James, you blow my mind."

I smiled before he kissed my lips softly and walked away. As he reach the door he looked back and said, "In more ways than one."

I blushed and asked, "Are you implying something?"

"Am I implying something?" He said before closing the door.

I smiled to myself, and closed my eyes.

Before I could catch some rest though, the door opened.


	18. Chapter 16

**A/N: Finally! A new chapter! : D ENJOY!**

**Chapter 16: Gustavo**

"Hey…erm…dog! Are you awake?" a voice said.

I slowly opened my eyes, realizing only one person would call me that.

"Gustavo?" I said sitting up, "What…are you doing here?"

"I came to talk to you." He said bluntly.

"I don't think I really want to hear what you're going to say. You're a person who pushes me around and tells me what to do. Not someone who gives advice and cares." I said leaning back on a pillow.

"I do care." He said.

I glared at him and reiterated, "No, I don't think you do."

Gustavo's face turned red as he yelled, "James Diamond, shut up!"

I paused…he never said my full name…he barely called me by my first name…

"You said my name…you said my full name." I said softly.

Gustavo let out a big breath and sat down. He then looked up and said, "I came here to talk to you. It's not to put you down, or push you, or insult you. It's to help you. To let you know you aren't a lone. In fact, this is probably good not only for you, but for both of us."

I gave him a puzzled look before he continued.

"James, out of all the members of Big Time Rush, I like you the least."

I glared and was about to say something before he said, "BUT…out of all the Big Time Rush members, I can relate to you the most."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"James, your depression, your anger, your thoughts and secrets…everyone has those, but you and I have them at higher levels than others. Right now, I'm going to tell you something that I hope you won't share with anyone. Just between me and you. No Big Time Rush Members, no one I work with, not even Kelly knows this secret. That's how big it is."

I gulped loudly and asked, "No one? Just me?

He nodded, "You promise not to tell?"

I nodded and he said, almost in a whisper, "I used to cut like you as well."

My eyes widened and I tried to blink tears from coming out, as I looked down to my lap.

He grabbed my hand and held it tightly. His hands were much softer then I though, strong, but gentle. I looked back up at him to see he was trying not to cry either.

"I act so tough and yell and push people around. I make them feel worthless and degrade them when really all I want them to be is something better then me because I feel like I'm not fit to be anything good at all. When I found out what you had done, I felt like all of it was my fault. That I pushed everyone too hard and I hated myself for that. It brought up so many memories of what I went through and I felt like hurting myself again after the longest time. It was so painful, but it made me realize that when you wake up, which I believed in you, I knew you would, that I would continue to act tough and yell and push people around…except I have good intentions and always had, but I know I do need to let you kids know that I'm doing it because I care. I want you guys to make it. You guys are the most talented artists I've had throughout my entire career."

He let go of my hand and straightened his posture and proceeded with is incredible speech.

"So, I will yell, I will push you to exceed your limits and I will act the toughest of my ability, but I will let you guys know that you're all doing a great job and mean a lot to me. We work together, we learn together, we fight together and win together. James Diamond, you are a big part of Big Time Rush. Without you in the group, well…there is no group. It's just a big time failure. You are important, and we care about you and need you. As someone who plays a big part in your career and life, I need you, because you play a big part in my career and life as well. If you need me to tell you that to you more, I understand. It'll probably never be like this again, but the message will always get across."

I bit my lip and let my tears flow down my face.

"Gustavo…thank you so much!" I cried hugging my self tightly. Gustavo stood up and smiled before proceeding in an act he's never done before.

He hugged me. I stopped crying and hugged him back. After a few seconds he let go and began to walk away, but before he reached the door I told him to wait.

"Gustavo, you have to remember. I may be very important, but don't forget how important you are too. Thank you. Thank you so much for everything you've done. My respect for you has been raised to higher levels." I said.

"Thank you, James." He said as he walked out the door.

I smiled to myself. I just woke up…and so many good things have already happened. Waking up…it feels like a new chapter in my life has begun. I can already write the first line**:**

_I woke up to find I was never alone._


End file.
